Talking Movies: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Talking Movies
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Prepare to feel old because it’s been over thirty years since Wes Craven’s seminal horror masterpiece, A Nightmare on Elm Street, first came to cinema screens in 1984. Considering that today is Halloween and star and horror icon Robert Englund recently declared that he is now too old to don the fedora and razor-fingered glove of the demonic Freddy Krueger, I figured it was good a time as any to revisit and review what is still, for me, one of the most terrifying horror movies of all time.

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Fans of Johnny Depp may be disturbed at his fate in this film!

A Nightmare on Elm Street takes place on the titular street in a town called Springwood and revolves around four friends, Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp), Tina Gray (Amanda Wyss), Rod Lane (Nick Corri), and Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp in his first feature-film role), who find their dreams haunted by a malevolent ghoul. After Tina is gruesomely murdered in her sleep, Rod becomes the prime suspect and Nancy’s father, police lieutenant Don Thompson (veteran actor John Saxon), stops at noting to place Rod behind bars. However, Nancy comes to believe that the true killer is the ghastly figure that continues to haunt her dreams, Freddy Krueger, and begins to dig deeper into his existence.

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Maybe you’ll think twice before taking a nap!

After Rod is hung in his jail cell and Nancy describes who she believes is the real killer, her alcoholic mother, Marge Thompson (Ronee Blakley) takes her to a sleep clinic, believing that her daughter is suffering from shock and sleep deprivation. At the clinic, Nancy convulses wildly from an unseen nightmare and, upon awakening, sports four claw marks on her wrist and is suddenly in possession of the dirty, battered fedora worn by Freddy. Armed with this object, the name of her attacker, and driven to the brink of exhaustion from her nightmares, Nancy confronts her mother and learns that Freddy was a malicious and sadistic child murder (and, it is heavily implied, child molester) who was hunted down and burned alive by the parents of those he killed (including Nancy’s mother and father) after the justice system failed to lock him away.

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Freddy is not exactly renowned for his subtlety.

Lack of sleep means Freddy haunts her waking life as much as her dreams and, despite her protests, Glen fails to heed her warnings and is summarily killed in horrific fashion. After realising that, if she can grab Freddy in her nightmare and be woken up, she can bring her attacker into the real world and bring him to justice, Nancy prepares herself for a final showdown by setting up booby-traps around her house and, after encountering Freddy and despite initially believing that she had actually gone crazy from sleep deprivation, the plan works.

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Fuelled by fear, Freddy’s power is negated when Nancy denies his existence.

After running Nancy’s gauntlet, Freddy is set on fire and apparently kills Nancy’s mother. When her father rushes in too late to be of any use, Nancy comes to a startling realisation: that everything she is experiencing is just a dream. Freddy rises and prepares to strike her, only for Nancy to deny his existence and renounce her fear of him; her conviction rings true and Freddy is reduced to nothingness. Nancy steps out into an overly bright morning, her vitality restored along with her now-sober mother and her friends. However, as she leaves with her friends, the car suddenly drives off of its own accord and her mother is violently dragged through the window of their front door by Freddy’s clawed hand, leaving the ending ambiguous.

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Seriously, the sound of those claws still ends a shiver up my spine!

A Nightmare on Elm Street’s premise may sound simple but it actually significantly impacted the slasher genre of horror films in many ways. Prior to Nightmare, slasher movies typically revolved around a mute masked killer wielding a knife or similar blade, stalking teenagers and with a mysterious backstory. Director Wes Craven changes this with the introduction of perhaps the greatest horror character ever conceived. Krueger returned as a demonic revenant, an unstoppable spirit who haunted the dreams of his victims to enact his revenge, garbed in a disturbing red-and-green jumper, his face burned beyond recognition, and primarily attacking with a custom-made glove that sports four razor-sharp knives.

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No two ways about it, Freddy is fucked up!

What set Freddy apart from other slasher villains was his immense power and his sinister wit; within the dank, hellish nightmares, Freddy is all-powerful, capable of appearing and disappearing at will, shaping the dream world to his whims, and affecting the real world when enacting his kills all while sniggering or taunting his victims. While later sequels placed more emphasis on Freddy as a dark comedic figure, in the first Nightmare, his humour is menacing and disturbing, used solely to inspire fear and dread into his victims.

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These three are to blame for everything!

Over the years, many have speculated on the themes and meanings behind the film, with Freddy being seen as an allegory for Nancy’s inability to cope with both her mother’s alcoholism and the break up between her parents. The ending, in particular, has sparked numerous debates as many have speculated as to whether the entire film was a dream all along or just the last twenty minutes or so. Considering that this ending is alluded to in the next two sequels, and that Nancy specifically says that Freddy killed her friends in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (Russell, 1987), I always saw it as being a somewhat clumsily executed attempt to show that Freddy has not been vanquished to give the audience one last scare, that the events of the movie did indeed take place, and that Nancy’s actions only weakened Freddy. Indeed, Freddy is so weakened from this encounter that he has to resort to human possession in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (Sholder, 1985) though, perhaps, that is a review for another day.

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Take note, Samuel Bayer, sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

As a child, I was never one for horror movies; I was particularly vulnerable, with an overactive imagination, and horror films were a bit too much for me. Nevertheless, A Nightmare on Elm Street and its first two sequels made its way into my life and truly terrified me. Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and Pinhead were scary, sure, but there are easy ways to avoid encountering these slasher icons; simply don’t go to Crystal Lake and be a dick, don’t live in Haddonfield, and don’t open the Lament Configuration and you’re good. But with Freddy, it’s enough to know his name or fear his reputation to give him the strength he needs to invade your nightmares, where you’re most vulnerable. Although the protagonists of Nightmare were ignorant to Freddy’s existence, the “one, two, Freddy’s coming for you” nursery rhyme maintains the Krueger legend enough for Freddy to get a foothold in his victims’ subconscious and enact his grisly revenge.

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Honestly, this film ruined my childhood and my dreams for decades!

Even now, I have a hard time watching A Nightmare on Elm Street. Everything from the premise, the sound of Freddy’s perverted sniggering or his claws scraping on metal, to the appearance of the character (constantly hidden in shadows makes Freddy’s gruesome visage all the more terrifying) and the haunting, literally nightmarish soundtrack sends shivers down my spine. Even now, decades later, fully aware of the production behind the film and having view the watered down sequels, Nightmare exhibits a raw, unmatched horror and it was my great pleasure to meet Robert Englund in Milton Keynes just before my twentieth birthday, shake his hand, and tell him that he had been scaring the crap out of me for the last ten years.

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A cathartic moment that failed to make Freddy any less scary.

My Rating:

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Fantastic

Recommended: Absolutely, especially for horror fans, those looking to get into horror, or those who are jaded by today’s lacklustre horror efforts.
Best moment: Freddy’s first kill is a dramatic and truly terrifying affair, with Tina being dragged up the walls and across the ceiling of her bedroom while Freddy slashes and cuts her to ribbons.
Worst moment: The vague ending, from the moment the burning Freddy smothers Nancy’s mother to the credit roll, is perhaps too abstract a conclusion for this already abstract horror film.

Talking Movies: Thor: Ragnarok

Talking Movies
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Not content with redefining the superhero genre of movies, the latest effort from Marvel Studios has also redefined the word “psychedelic”. Apparently, the last solo effort to feature everyone’s favourite, muscle-bound God of Thunder (Chris Hemsworth), Thor: The Dark World (Taylor, 2013), did not meet the expectations of many fans and critics out there; it’s easily among the top three less-than-stellar offerings from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (though, personally, I enjoyed it quite a lot). So, in an effort to rectify this, continue the expansion of their cinematic universe, and finally allow the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) some time to shine, director Taika Waititi has stepped in to infuse the hammer-wielding hero with some of the same outlandish humour seen in the Guardians of the Galaxy (Gunn, 2014; 2017) film series but does it work? Thor: Ragnarok begins with the titular hero bound in chains in the hellish Muspelheim as a prison of the devil-like Surtur (Clancy Brown); through a humorous voice-over, we quickly learn the Thor’s search for the legendary Infinity Stones has turned up nothing and he has stumbled upon evidence to prove that Ragnarök, the twilight of the Gods, is looming on the horizon. As Ragnarök is prophesied to be caused by Surtur placing his crown into the Eternal Flame, Thor defeats the demon and claims his crown. Upon returning to Asgard, he quickly sees through the tricky of his brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), easily deducing that the God of Mischief has been posing as their father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins).

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Sadly, Hela’s potential never stretches beyond this display of power.

Less than impressed, Thor forces Loki to take him to Odin’s location; however, they are immediately intercepted by Doctor Stephen Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) who, somewhat needlessly, ushers them along to Norway, where Odin has found himself. On the verge of death, Odin tells his sons that his passing will release his first-born child, Hela (Cate Blanchett), the Goddess of Death, who desires to end all Asgardian life and bring destruction to the Nine Realms. Upon vanishing into a puff of golden sparks, this immediately comes to pass and, when Thor attempts to stop Hela, she easily catches and destroys his magical hammer, Mjolnir. Fearful of his half-sister’s great power, Loki commands the Bifröst to transport them back to Asgard; however, Hela follows and casts her younger siblings into the void of space. Upon her arrival in Asgard, she kills Volstagg (Ray Stevenson) and Fandral (Zachary Levi) within the blink of an eye and recruits Scurge (Karl Urban) as her executioner. Deposited upon the planet Sakaar, Thor is captured – his power subdued by an obedience disk – by Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) and becomes a prisoner of the enigmatic Grandmaster (Jeff Goldblum). Loki is also there, having landed weeks earlier due to a time-dilation effect and, being in favour with the Grandmaster, is content to remain, leaving Thor to challenge the Grandmaster’s champion in the arena to win his freedom. Just when all hope seems lost, Thor is confronted by the champion, who turns out to be the Incredible Hulk. Revelling in his fame and glory, the now-sentient Hulk battles Thor mercilessly. However, Thor summons the powers of lightning to turn the tide and is summarily subdued by the Grandmaster.

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The battle between Thor and Hulk is easily the best part of the film.

In Hulk’s bed chambers, Thor converses with his fellow Avenger, who is less than enthusiastic about helping Thor as he was hated and feared on Earth, even by his team mates. Thor persists, even managing to convince Valkyrie to help him escape and save Asgard but, after activating the Quinjet that brought Hulk to Sakaar, Thor loses his primary means of transportation when the Hulk destroys the ship during his manic reversion back into Bruce Banner. Banner, in a state of shock as he has been trapped within the Hulk for two years, fears for the loss of his identity should he transform again, yet still teams up with Thor, Valkyrie, and Loki to steal the Grandmaster’s luxury spaceship, return to Asgard, and prevent Hela from bringing ruin to the Nine Realms.

In case it isn’t clear from the trailers or television spots, Thor: Ragnarok is an action comedy with a heavy emphasis on the comedy. Thor, whose humour was always present and based in a dry wit, quips one-liners and glib remarks throughout the film, even in the face of annihilation at the hands of Hela. However, the humour works very well; the chemistry between Hemsworth and Hiddleston is as potent as ever and both react, and act, perfectly with the Hulk. Speaking of the Hulk, the Green Goliath finally gets a chance to show a personality; having been transformed for so long has made the Hulk capable of intelligent, if child-like, speech and able to comprehend what is happening around him. There is a clear difference between the Hulk, who is always angry and craving a fight, and Banner; Banner’s previous tenuous control over the Hulk is apparently now lost and he faces a very real fear of being consumed by the Hulk (although this is never developed beyond a short exchange with Thor).

After a strong but, undoubtedly disappointing, showing from Malekith (Christopher Eccleston), there was quite a lot of anticipation surrounding Hela. Like Ultron (James Spader), Hela has a powerful presence and a snappy wit, with clear and concise motivations: she seeks to rule the Nine Realms through anarchy and death rather than the peace and prosperity her father once sought. However, although she is easily Thor’s most powerful foe, she still succumbs to the same issues that plague many of Marvel’s villains: procrastination. The film, honestly, spends too much time on Sakaar and not enough time with Hela who, upon reaching Asgard, kills a bunch of people, stands around gloating, and is then unable to enact her plan simply because Heimdall (Idris Elba) stole the sword that activates the Bifröst. This is quite the problem as she literally storms into Asgard, leaves some bodies in her wake, awakens an undead army and her steed, Fenris Wolf, and then stands around doing nothing until Thor and his team (the “Revengers”) finally return to take her on.

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The brilliance of Jeff Goldblum continues to astound.

Logically you would think that it would be the Grandmaster who acts as the secondary antagonist; however, you would be largely mistaken. Although Goldblum, who was clearly given free reign to ad-lib and bring as much of his awesome quirks to the character, steals every scene he is in, he isn’t even an obstacle in Thor’s path beyond making him fight the Hulk. Indeed, Thor stages an uprising (lead by Korg (Taika Waititi, whose soft-spoken take on the character was a surprise, to say the least) simply to distract the Grandmaster’s pitiful forces long enough for him to steal his ship and escape. The film appears to be treating Ragnarök as its primary threat; however, the humour laced throughout is so prominent that this apocalyptic event isn’t really treated with the weight or gravitas that you might expect, meaning that Thor’s realisation that he must revive Surtur to cause Ragnarök as the only means of defeating Hela is given barely any significance (Korg even cracks jokes during what should be the sombre and gut-wrenching destruction of Asgard).

Valkyrie is a welcome addition to the franchise; having faced Hela centuries ago and watched all of her fellow female warriors perish, she has become a bitter recluse, resigned to being an alcoholic bounty hunter. Thor gives her a chance at redemption and she takes it gladly, taking up arms once more to help rescue the Asgardians from extinction. However, her inclusion comes at a price; in a throwaway line, Thor reveals that he and Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) have broken up, and (perhaps more criminally) Lady Sif (Jaimie Alexander) is noticeably and inexplicable absent, with no mention of her in any way, and the Warriors Three (Thor’s brothers-in-arms) are unceremoniously killed off presumably to appease Idris Elba with a more significant role for Heimdall, who basically becomes Thor’s right-hand man by the film’s end.

Yet, Thor: Ragnarok is a stunning film to watch; Sakaar is a dystopian cyber-punk dreamland, filled with the decrepit, lived-in quality of the cities and peoples seen in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies. It is clear that the film is meant firmly entrench Thor in the wild, wacky cosmic side of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the eighties-inspired soundtrack and visuals really help to hammer that point home (no pun intended). In addition, the humour is truly entertaining and the action is intense and thrilling; the battle between Hulk and Thor is fantastic to watch and the sheer scope of the movie is quite impressive given that it mainly jumps back and forth between Sakaar and Asgard. Additionally, as he is devoid of Mjolnir, Thor showcases his command of lightning to great effect in this film; he truly becomes the God of Thunder, summoning lighting bolts, surrounding himself with a shield of lightning, and powering himself up to the point where is is all-but untouchable. In the end, though, I actually expected more. I was expecting a threat such as the Goddess of Death to be treated with a bit more severity; her campaign never really gets a chance to begin before she is stopped in her tracks and the true impact of her actions or threat is never really felt meaning that, in the end, she is as ineffectual a villain as Malekith was because neither got to showcase their incredible potential due to the many other plot threads at work in the film.

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Sadly, this cameo didn’t really add a lot to the film.

Hulk, despite given much more characterisation than ever before, actually quickly fades into the background by the third act and the interesting idea that Banner and the Hulk are finally two separate entities within the same body is never truly explored. Most notably, Thor: Ragnarok goes out of its way to quickly tie up the loose ends from Thor: The Dark World with a very simple and disappointing payoff; when The Dark World ended with Loki impersonating Odin on the throne of Asgard, it posed so many questions and raised expectations of an epic battle to reclaim the throne. Instead, Thor simply reveals the deception and finds Odin maybe ten minutes later. It would have been faster if not for the unnecessary cameo by Doctor Strange; literally, Strange’s inclusion offers nothing of value (Loki could have taken Thor straight to Norway and skipped the entire New York sequence completely) except, I guess, to establish (or re-establish) that Strange acts as the mystic guardian of Earth but we already knew this from Doctor Strange (Derrickson, 2016). I’m all for cameos and inclusions of other Marvel characters but they’ve got to add something to the film and I really don’t think it did in this instance. I think those who disliked Thor: The Dark World will see this film as a redemption as it is, undoubtedly, a better movie and probably the strongest of the Thor films as Hemsworth and Hiddleston truly embody their characters and the interactions between them and their fellow cast of characters was great to see. However, I can’t help but think a film about the literally death of Gods should have some more gravitas to it and be more epic in its scope and execution; instead, this is an action comedy primarily focused on integrating Thor into the cosmic aspect of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and infusing the Hulk with some actual characterisation and, in these aspects, it succeeds spectacularly.

My Rating:

Rating: 3 out of 5.

Pretty Good

Recommended: Yes, though I’d have to voice a a bit of disappointment at the execution of the film’s primary plot.
Best moment: Hands down, the battle between Hulk and Thor in the arena, which delivered in every way possible.
Worst moment: Hela’s lacklustre effort as the primary villain and the execution of Ragnarök left a lot to be desired, effectively nullifying the significance of the final act of the film.

Game Corner: Johto is Still the Best Region in Pokémon

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Make no mistake about it, when Pokémon Blue Version and Pokémon Red Version (Game Freak/Nintendo, 1996) were released in 1996, they didn’t just change the videogame industry; they redefined it completely. While other videogame franchises were extremely popular, Pokémon was an unparalleled phenomenon. Literally, when I was a kid, there was nothing like Pokémon; everyone was into it, everyone played it, everyone wanted more of it. I remember wanting to buy Pokémon Blue so badly that I actually bought it brand new for £5 more than the Red Version just so I could play the edition I wanted. Once we had completed the videogames and traded as much as we could, we extended our experience with the various glitches in the videogames by using the infamous Fly glitch to catch Missingno or .M, obtain a whole bunch of Master Balls, Rare Candies, and vitamins, and also to catch the elusive Mew. I remember playing my version of Pokémon Blue for well over 150 hours fighting the Elite Four over and over again and raise my team to Level 100 and to fully evolve every Pokémon. As we were playing the videogames, everyone was also deeply into the anime, religiously watching and following every episode, and even swapping and comparing their trading cards (though I never actually saw anybody battling with them).

Buy them all, buy them twice, buy all the merchandise!

With Pokémon such a huge hit among my generation, and my circle of friends, excitement reached fever pitch with the release of Pokémon the First Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back (Yuyama, 1998) and when, during the anime, marketing, the film’s fun little short, Pikachu’s Vacation, and the movie itself, we all got our first glimpses of brand new Pokémon. At the time, these Pokémon were referred to as Pikablu and Buru/Snuffle; though they, and Togepi, would later turn out to be rather inconsequential Pokémon in the eventual sequels, they caused a wave of controversy and speculation in the playground. People would catch Missingno’s and rename them “Pikablu” just to trade them into other people’s videogame’s and glitch them out and wild theories ran rampant about how these Pokémon could be caught in Blue, Red, and Yellow Version: Special Pikachu Edition (Game Freak/Nintendo, 1998).

Anticipation was high for Gold and Silver.

Anticipation was so hot for the eventual release of Pokémon Gold Version and Pokémon Silver Version (ibid, 1999) that we rushed to download GameBoy emulators and Japanese ROMs of the videogames just to play them. We even saved them onto floppy disks (remember them!?) and brought them into school to play; it didn’t matter that we couldn’t read the Japanese text and had no idea what was going on, we just wanted the new Pokémon videogames that badly! You have to remember that, back then, the Internet was still really new; where I grew up and went to school, I had the most basic of dial-up connections and was never allowed online for more than a few minutes at a time, meaning that our entire stream of information about Gold and Silver was based on speculation, videogame magazines, and the anime. So when we saw more of these new Pokémon appear in Pokémon the Movie 2000: The Power of One (Yuyama, 1998) and in the anime, anticipation was at an all-time high! In the end, I got a copy of Pokémon Silver from my best friend, who gave me a French copy of the videogame that was, as a European cartridge, in English and fully compatible with UK consoles and, let me tell you, the hype was entirely worthwhile.

Graphical improvements and a striking new rival added to the games’ appeal.

The improvements in the new videogames were immediate; being on the GameBoy Color, the bold, cartoonish graphics were no longer hindered by the GameBoy’s always-primitive colour palette. In addition, the music and sound effects, already one of the most recognisable and enjoyable aspects of Pokémon, had improved dramatically. Having picked Squirtle in Pokémon Blue, I decided to shake things up and choose the fire-type Pokémon, Cyndaquil, for my new adventure in the Johto region (as a general rule, I stay away from grass-types as I feel they have far too many weaknesses and are ineffective as offensive Pokémon). Unlike Blue and Red, your rival is not a fellow Pokémon trainer but, instead, a young boy accused of stealing one of Professor Elm’s starter Pokémon. After your first encounter with him, you’re given the option of naming him for the police, and run into him at various points throughout the videogame. Unlike the rival from Blue and Red, though, this aspect is not as prominent as it originally was; instead, the narrative emphasis is split across numerous objectives: in addition to bringing your rival to justice, you must also catch all the Pokémon and complete the Pokédex, stop the return of Team Rocket, defeat all of the Gym Leaders and the Elite Four to become the Pokémon Champion, capture the roaming legendary beasts Entei, Raikou, and Suicune, investigate the Ruins of Alph, and capture the legendary Ho-oh and Lugia.

Gold and Silver introduced a lot of new elements.

Gameplay-wise, Gold and Silver remained relatively unchanged; alongside super-rare shiny Pokémon, two new Pokémon types were introduced, Steel and Dark, and the Special stat was split into Special Defence and Special Attack (these last three effectively gave players a better chance of combating the previously over-powered Mewtwo). One of the greatest additions to the series ever was a little bar underneath the HP meter that filled up after each battle, allowing you to visually see how many Experience Points your Pokémon had and how close they were to levelling-up; in addition, players were given a Pokégear, which acted as a map, telephone (allowing you to have rematches with trainers you’d previously beaten), and a radio (used for gameplay tips, to awaken sleeping Pokémon, and to pick up transmissions from the Ruins of Alph).

The Pokémon world was expanded through breeding and two regions for the price of one!

Other new features included a day and night system (which would not return until 2006), letting your mother save money for you (which would result in her buying you cool toys for your room), the ability to have your Pokémon hold items (including Berries) that could improve their speed, offensive or defensive capabilities, heal or cure status ailments, or to help them evolve, brand new PokéBalls that were more effective at catching specific Pokémon types, and perhaps the most significant gameplay feature: egg hatching. Up to two Pokémon could be left at a Day Care Center which, if the Pokémon are compatible (or if one is a Ditto), will result in the player receiving an Egg. After walking around with the Egg for varying amounts of time, the Egg would hatch, producing either a brand new Pokémon or a Pokémon that knows a move it normally wouln’t. Egg breeding, for some dedicated players, became as instrumental as EV training to crafting the best Pokémon possible; personally, I just used it to fill up the Pokédex with the brand-new Baby Pokémon like Pichu. What really made Johto stand out from Kanto, though, was the sheer size and variety the region allowed; not only could you walk, cycle, surf, and fly around the region, you could also travel up and down waterfalls and through whirlpools to reach new areas and legendary Pokémon. Best of all, and unlike any other region ever, defeating the Johto Elite Four awarded players with the S. S. Ticket which allows them to board the S. S. Aqua and travel back to Kanto! This basically means that you get to revisit every area from Pokémon Blue and Red (excluding the Cerulean Cave) and rebattle not only all of the Kanto Gym Leaders (some of whom are new, including the previous videogame’s rival, and with new Pokémon) but also the Kanto Elite Four!

In addition to some returning faces, your gender was no longer limited to a boy.

Make no mistake about it, this is still the greatest post-game feature in any Pokémon videogame. I don’t give a damn about the Battle Frontier or any of that noise and, while hunting down legendary Pokémon is fun and rewarding, nothing beats going back to the previous videogame’s region and, effectively, doubling the length of the videogame. The Pokémon in Kanto are a higher level than before, offering a greater challenge to your now-stronger team, and you can even acquire a Pass to take a train back and forth between the two regions. As no Pokémon videogame since has been as big as Gold and Silver, this, coupled with Pokémon being at the peak of its popularity among my generation at the time, means that Johto is, and will forever be, the greatest region ever seen in all of the franchise. Not only can you battle with a friend using the Link Cable and then battle that friend again whenever you wish by visiting Viridian City, not only can you travel back to Kanto and rebattle all the old Gym Leaders and Elite Four, but, once you have completed this, you gain access to Mt. Silver where, after traversing a difficult mountain cave filled with high-level Pokémon and utilising a whole bunch of HMs, you reach the top of the mountain and are challenged by Red, the player character from Blue and Red in what remains one of the toughest Pokémon battles ever! Finally, there was Pokémon Crystal Version (Game Freak/Nintendo, 2000), a third version of the videogame that, like Pokémon Yellow, expanded and improved upon the Gold and Silver experience. For the first time ever, players could now choose to play as a girl, Pokémon sprites had limited frames of animation to bring them to life, the first of the Battle Towers was included, and the videogame featured a brand-new side-plot involving Suicune and the Unown. Given that it contained the best of both versions, and more, Crystal was probably the preferred title to pick up at the time though, for me, its release coincided with a noticeable drop in popularity for the franchise that would not be rekindled for some time.

Updated for a whole new generation, and brought to life in Pokémon Adventures.

In 2009, Game Freak and Nintendo released upgraded and enhanced versions of Gold and Silver for the Nintendo DS; Pokémon HeartGold Version and SoulSilver Version brought Johto up to date with the graphical improvements made to the series since the release of Pokémon Diamond Version, Pearl Version, and Platinum Version (ibid, 2006; 2008) while also reintroducing gameplay mechanics not seen since Pokémon Yellow. While Pokémon titles between Pokémon Crystal and HeartGold and SoulSilver were fun, they paled in comparison to the experience offered by Gold and Silver; because of that, having these videogames updated and enhanced on the Nintendo DS was like downing a glass of sweet-tasting nostalgia and finally allowed me to re-capture that same level of excitement that can only be experienced through the eyes of a child. With 251 Pokémon to capture, Gold and Silver’s Pokédex was nowhere near as impossible to complete as today’s 800-plus. Though the mystery surrounding Celebi never came close to that of Mew, and there was never quite the same amount of rampant rumours or glitches in Gold and Silver as in the previous videogames, Johto’s scope, coupled with the numerous new features that only enhanced the gameplay of Blue and Red, made Gold and Silver far superior to their predecessors in every way. While characters like Red and Blue have been semi-recurring throughout the franchise, Gold/Ethan, Silver, and Kris/Lyra have been cruelly overlooked and under-featured in everything but the long-running Pokémon Adventures manga.

Lightning in a bottle.

Many of the innovative gameplay mechanics introduced in Gold, Silver, and Crystal carried over into later Pokémon titles; shiny Pokémon and egg breeding (and hatching) became recurring themes, hold items gained more prominence, interactivity between the player and non-player characters was increased through various Key Items, Battle Towers were expanded and made increasingly challenging, Pokéballs increased in their variety, and roaming Pokémon became commonplace. However, with each new iteration and expansion, Pokémon always seemed to be striving to recapture the magic of the Johto era. Admittedly, and obviously, a lot of this is due to nostalgia but, for me, Pokémon would never be as popular or as exciting as when Gold and Silver were released and, to this day, I would always choose to revisit Johto above any other Pokémon region, new or old.

Game Corner: THQ/AKI Wrestling Retrospective

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With WWE 2K18 (Yuke’s/Visual Concepts/2K Sports, 2017) due to be released in a couple of weeks, I thought I’d take the time to revisit some classic wrestling titles on everyone’s favourite polygonal home console, the Nintendo 64. Inevitably, with every new WWE videogame released, debates reignite, resurface, and rage on about why (oh, why, just…why?) can we not get a new videogame in the style of WWF No Mercy (Asmik Ace Entertainment/AKI Corporation/THQ, 2000)? Granted, these debates usually occur on extremely adolescent and unruly forums, such as those on GameFAQs, but there is, nevertheless, a good reason for this. Well, actually, there’s two: nostalgia and the fact that AKI and THQ produced some simplistic and yet incredibly deep and addictive wrestling videogames back in the day. The partnership between Asmik Ace Entertainment and the AKI Corporation began way back in 1996, with Virtual Pro-Wrestling on Sony’s PlayStation, which was later published in North America by THQ as WCW vs. The World in 1997. Following this, AKI and THQ’s wrestling titles would be exclusive to the Nintendo 64 for the foreseeable future and the first instance of this collaboration came with the Japan-exclusive Nintendo 64 title Virtual Pro 64.

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Virtual Pro-Wrestling was the precursor to greatness.

I’m not going to delve too deep into the Virtual Pro series as I never played these videogames; instead, with my young mind only grasping the simplest concepts of the pro wrestling world, my first exposure to the series came with the release of WCW vs. nWo: World Tour (Asmik Ace Entertainment/AKI Corporation/THQ, 1997). When I was a kid, this was the wrestling videogame everyone had and everyone played, to the point where I vividly remember finally getting a copy and playing it all through the night during a sleepover with some friends of mine and driving them to near boredom as I worked to unlock and complete everything as they had done weeks and months before. WCW vs. nWo: World Tour’s roster is split into various factions including the titular WCW and nWo but also some fictional wrestling promotions featuring renamed Japanese wrestlers to dance around tricky copyright issues. Each wrestler has four different attires, allowing you to play as Sting in his surfer persona and Hollywood Hogan in the good old fashioned red and yellow. An interesting twist of irony here is that, these days, people will lose their shit about 2K including five separate versions of Sting, yet players of World Tour should be more than used to this given that you can play as Sting and the imposter Sting recruited by the nWo back in the day.

THQAKIStings
TWO Stings!? Blasphemy!!

World Tour introduced many of the gameplay mechanics that would become staples of this videogame series over the coming years; up to four players can play at once in a variety of matches, though only a single player can take on the league challenge to win championship belts and unlock hidden wrestlers. The core gameplay is built around a simple and yet intricately challenging grapple, strike, and reversal system: players perform a light grapple by tapping the A button and a strong grapple by holding the same button. Pressing a direction on the D-pad in conjunction with either the A or B button will see their wrestler perform one of ten different grappling moves, while light or strong presses of the B button alone (or A and B together) will strike the opponent with a kick or a punch. Players can block incoming strikes with the R trigger and counter grapples with the L trigger. Players can also perform submission holds on a downed opponent, dash at their opponents to land running attacks or dodge around them, drag their prone opponent’s body around the ring, climb the corner turnbuckles, exit the ring and grab weapons from the crowd, or taunt by wiggling the analogue stick. Taunting, and successfully countering and landing moves, raises your wrestler’s Spirit meter; once it is full and flashes “SPECIAL!”, players can perform a strong grapple and wiggle the analogue stick to perform their wrestler’s finishing move and attempt a pin fall.

THQAKIPowerbomb
Nearly every wrestler has a Powerbomb as a Special move.

And good luck with that; World Tour has a steep difficulty curve, even on the easier settings, that can make some matches last nearly ten minutes at a time as you trade counters and moves with your opponent, constantly egged on by the rising and falling cheers and jeers of the crowd and the thumping bass of the in-game music. However, playing through each challenge and winning championships allows you to fight against, and unlock, a number of hidden characters to add to the already-substantial rosters (even Muhammad Ali shows up…as “Joe Bruiser”, whose entire moveset consists of punches!) Sporting a distinct cel-shaded appearance, WCW vs. nWo: World Tour is easily the simplest and least technically-impressive of the AKI/THQ wrestling videogames; there is no create-a-wrestler function (though you can alter the colours of the wrestlers’ attires) and very little options outside of the single and multi-player aspects. However, AKI/THQ took a significant step in the right direction with the subsequent release of WCW/nWo Revenge in 1998.

THQAKIValet
Some wrestlers came out with valets or managers.

Revenge took every aspect of its predecessor and improved upon it vastly; wrestlers now have individual entrances (sometimes including a valet or holding a weapon, though their individual theme music is unfortunately absent), there are more animations and variety for reversals, a cartoon referee appears onscreen to visualise pin falls and submission holds, an instant replay triggers whenever a wrestler hits their Special move or a signature attack, and arenas are modelled after those seen regularly on television and pay-per-view events. Players can now also steal their opponent’s taunt by rotating the analogue stick in a clockwise direction and a combo system, of sorts, allows certain wrestlers to string together strong striking attacks at the cost of some of their grapple moves. Wrestlers also enter the ring wearing their championship belt and sport more true-to-life finishers and signature manoeuvres thanks to the addition of multiple new animations and moves.

THQAKIEdit
Customisation has always been an option.

However, there were some drawbacks; losing the cel-shaded appearance, characters now appear far more polygonal than before. The difficulty curve remained relatively consistent, meaning that even a dominating performance from a player and the successful delivery of a Special move would not guarantee victory in the majority of matches. Instead, players had to earn their victory, wearing their opponent down with counters, strikes, and grapples in order to win a championship belt and, again, unlock hidden wrestlers. Create-a-wrestler was still absent but the editing options for existing wrestlers was greatly expanded, allowing players to play about with existing attires in interesting and fun ways. WCW/nWo Revenge was the last of AKI and THQ’s titles with the WCW license; from here on out, they would take their revolutionary videogame engine and ideas and apply them to the WWF brands. WWF WrestleMania 2000 (Asmik Ace Entertainment/AKI Corporation/THQ, 1999) was the first of these endeavours and, as before, AKI and THQ took everything that worked in their previous videogames and expanded and improved upon them further still.

THQAKIWrestlemaniaIntro
Just another chair shot for poor old Mick…

The improvements can be seen immediately; just as Revenge opened with a introduction sequence showcasing its roster and gameplay elements, WrestleMania 2000 begins by showcasing the best of the best of the WWF’s acclaimed Attitude Era. Following this, players are taken to a comprehensive menu screen where they can elect to play a single or multi-man match with the title’s exhaustive roster; while the roster is still arranged in groups, they are no longer organised into factions and the roster is comprised entirely of those seen on a weekly basis back in 1999. Whereas AKI’s WCW titles featured a rather simplistic series of one-on-one matches in the pursuit of individual championships, WrestleMania 2000 includes a lengthy career mode called the Road to WrestleMania. Players select a wrestler and a tag team partner and play a series of matches through one year, facing lower-card wrestlers, taking part in tag team matches, and winning championships in the pursuit of the WrestleMania main event.

THQAKIWrestlemaniaCutscenes
After facing Foley’s personas numerous times, you’ll welcome this fight!

Winning multiple championships may mean that the player has multiple matches on one card and the better your progress, the more hidden wrestlers you will unlock; only a 100% success rate will reap the best rewards, which is a pretty tall order considering the mode’s difficulty spikes and drops depending on your success rate and the opponent you are facing. There will even be a few cutscenes in this mode where hidden wrestlers (usually one of the three faces of Foley) will challenge you to defend you championship.

THQAKICreate
WrestleMania 2000 introduced a proper create-a-wrestler mode.

Perhaps the most significant addition was the comprehensive create-a-wrestler mode, which also allowed players to freely customise their name, music, video, and appearance. Using the create-a-wrestler mode, however, players could piece together close approximations of wrestlers not included in the videogame, such as Kurt Angle or Tazz, in addition to those who hadn’t appeared in a WWF ring at the time, such as Diamond Dallas Page and Goldberg, or entirely original characters. Players could choose from an exhaustive list of moves, many of which are carried over from the previous titles, to pretty much create anyone they could envision.

THQAKIWrestlemaniaHBK
Only a 100% win streak will reap the best rewards.

In addition, players could create a custom championship belt to defend or entire pay-per-view events; wrestlers all have their own individual entrance themes and tag teams even came to the ring with their team name displayed. The only real downsides were the increased polygonal look of the videogame and the sharp difficulty spike in Road to WrestleMania mode, which could result in players struggling to put away the Godfather but dominating Chris Jericho within two minutes. Finally, the pièce de résistance, the crown jewel in the AKI/THQ partnership, WWF No Mercy. It’s strange to me that the follow-up to WrestleMania 2000 would take its name from a strictly B-level pay-per-view event but there was nothing B-level about this videogame. WWF No Mercy was the culmination of nearly six years of development, refining, and improvement, featuring the biggest and deepest roster yet, the most striking graphics available, the most intricate story mode of all of AKI’s wrestling titles, and the deepest create-a-wrestler you could ask for. There’s a good reason this videogame has been heralded as one of, if not the, best wrestling videogames ever made; more than nostalgia, it’s depth and replayability.

THQAKINoMercyChampionship
No Mercy believed in gender equality, if nothing else.

After the suitably over-the-top opening sequence, players could enter the Championship mode to compete in a series of matches and win a championship belt. Unlike WrestleMania 2000, players competed for each belt individually (or alongside a friend if they chose to go for the Tag Team Championships) and this mode featured multiple branching paths and cutscenes based on a variety of WWF storylines; for example, players could play through the entire WWF Championship storyline and fight against Triple H in exactly the same manner as Mankind did, even transforming into Cactus Jack for their street fight at Royal Rumble, or they may lose a match and branch off into a storyline mirroring Chris Jericho’s issues with Triple H from 2000. Once the player won a belt, they could play the mode again in order to defend it. With its multiple paths, no longer forcing players to win 100% of their matches, and far more manageable difficulty curve, No Mercy’s Championship mode was light years ahead of anything seen in AKI’s previous videogames and it’s a lot of fun to play differently each time to 100% each path.

THQAKINoMercyShop
Purchase new content in the SmackDown Mall.

New additions to the gameplay in this title included not only a graphical overhaul that makes wrestlers far lass polygonal but also the inclusion of running grapples, both from the front and behind, the return of blood (though early editions of the videogame would randomly wipe themselves due to some glitch involving the blood), guest referee and ladder matches, a breakable announce table at ringside, multiple backstage areas to fight in, a new version of the cage match to better display the in-ring action, the Survival mode (where players faced an endless Royal Rumble against every single wrestler in the title and in which you could unlock hidden wrestlers), and the SmackDown Mall. In the Mall, you could use the money you earn in Championship and Survival mode to unlock loads of extra content, from new moves and gear to use in create-a-wrestler to hidden characters and weapons.

THQAKINoMercyCAWs
You could create almost anyone in No Mercy.

Speaking of create-a-wrestler, this mode returned better than ever; the moves and attire options made available were more than extensive, allowing you to not only create WCW, ECW, and Japanese wresters not included but also modern day wrestlers to keep the videogame as up-to-date as you desire. The inclusion of wrestler faces (both as avatars and to use on your created wrestler) and certain attires also allowed you to create omitted wrestlers like Gangrel and the Mean Street Posse. Each attire slot could now be assigned entirely unique attributes, meaning you could use one slot to create four separate wrestlers and all that they are forced to share is a moveset. The developers even utilised this to put TAKA Michinoku and Funaki in the same slot, something 2K are seemingly reluctant to do in this day and age (despite proving they are capable of doing so in the past). There were, however, some drawbacks; wrestlers no longer had their entire entrances and tag teams no longer entered as a duo, multi-man matches suffered from slowdown that was not present in previous titles, there were no good mask options to create luchadors like Rey Mysterio, the Big Show was entirely absent from the videogame and (hilariously) replaced in Championship mode with Steven Richards (as opposed to, say, Chris Benoit or even the Big Bossman), and, as mentioned, early copies of the videogame featured a game-breaking glitch that would cause the data to be randomly lost.

THQAKINoMercySurvival
Still the best multi-player wrestling videogame, for my money.

This was a major downside to the videogame at the time, as many players had corrupted copies, and even reissued copies of the videogame would often be prone to this glitch. Unfortunately, WWF No Mercy was the last videogame produced by AKI and THQ; despite apparently planning a third title, WWF Backlash, THQ and AKI parted ways, meaning the WWF videogames would follow the model set by the equally-enjoyable WWF SmackDown! (Yuke’s/THQ, 2000) up until the modern era. Since then, the standard set by AKI has not even attempted to be emulated much less imitated by THQ in their subsequent titles. Moving away from the simple, but in-depth grappling system developed on the Nintendo 64, WWE videogames now seek to closely emulate the televised product through simulated gameplay rather than arcade-style action. Although, graphically, AKI’s titles have not aged terribly well, nothing can take away that rush of nostalgia when starting up a new session on WWF No Mercy; instantly, I am transported back to a simpler time when me and as many as three other friends would spend all day and night playing match after match and pushing the cartridge to its very limits. No WWE videogame since has received that kind of constant love and attention from me, as online gaming and the realities of everyday life intervene with the simple pleasure of gathering around a television and throwing Spears at each other endlessly with the very best polygons money can buy.

10 FTW: Surprisingly Good Horror Remakes

We’ve heard it all a thousand times by now: “when will Hollywood stop with the remakes!?”, “Why can’t Hollywood come up with new ideas!?”, “Remakes suxxorz1!!” Honestly, while some films should never be re-made and some remakes do baffle the mind, remakes aren’t the plague of cinema that a lot of people like to think they are. In fact, some are pretty damn good.

If you’re one of those bleeding heart Twitter people, though, who just like to decry remakes in general, maybe you should take a moment to consider this small list of horror remakes that are not only surprisingly good but, in some cases, actually surpass their originals:

Halloween
10 Halloween (Zombie, 2007)

We’re kicking things off with quite the controversial choice here. I’ll argue until the end of time that John Carpenter’s Halloween (Carpenter, 1978) is the forefather of all modern horror, particularly the slasher genre. It’s a subtle, atmospheric piece with a fantastic, mysterious antagonist and the truly frightening prospect that random unspeakable acts of horror can happen in a suburban environment. Rob Zombie’s take, however, is a loud, frenetic, uncomfortably gruesome take on the property. Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch/Tyler Mane) is an incredibly disturbed young boy from a violent and abusive family who becomes a remorseless, emotionless, unstoppable tank of a killing machine. Zombie delves right into his own take on Michael’s backstory, presenting in grotesque detail the exact events that turn Michael into a nigh-supernatural killer.

In many ways, the initial focus of the film acts as a kind of prequel to the events of Carpenter’s original, as the remainder of the film’s runtime is devoted to recreating Michael’s killing spree in Haddonfield, with the primary difference being that nearly the entirety of the film is told from Michael’s perspective. Sure, Malcolm McDowell, great as he is, cannot hope to compete with the fantastic Donald Pleasence but the film is bolstered by the incredibly cute Scout Taylor-Compton (who is arguably more attractive and relatable to modern audiences than Jamie Lee Curtis) and even appearances by Brad Dourif and Danielle Harris (and what an appearance hers is!) While it’s unlikely to be as iconic or influential as Carpenter’s benchmark film, for those who find the original and its sequels dated and slow, Rob Zombie’s remake is a much-needed kick up the ass that, for better or worse, dragged Halloween kicking and screaming out of obscurity.

Poltergeist
9 Poltergeist (Kenan, 2015)

I know, right? How could Hollywood ever even entertain the idea of remaking Tobe Hooper/Steven Spielberg’s 1982 horror classic? Well, they did, and don’t be mistaken; it’s not actually that bad. While it lacks probably my favourite scene from the original, where corpses rise from the Freeman’s unfinished swimming pool, the remake is just as terrifying and engaging as the original, with the added bonus of having a modern-day make-over that is far more accessible than the now-dated original. Don’t get me wrong, the original is still a classic, but Sam Rockwell and Kennedi Clements put in some great performances, easily on par with those of Craig T. Nelson and the late JoBeth Williams. Did Poltergeist necessarily need a remake? Probably not, and the fact that numerous haunted house stories since the original have all pulled from or mirrored Hooper’s seminal horror classic probably didn’t help to differentiate Kenan’s new take on the property, but I feel it’s a largely misrepresented film that is nowhere near as bad as some people think.

It
8 It (Muschietti, 2017)

Although I spoke about this film quite recently, it is deserving enough to make this list. Watching Tommy Lee Wallace’s 1990 miniseries, great as it is and as amazing as Tim Curry’s performance in that is, you can’t help but think that Stephen King’s novel deserved to be told without the restraints of a television miniseries. Focusing exclusively on the child side of King’s story, and bringing the events forward to the 1980s rather than the 1950s, Muschietti adheres closely to King’s text while still putting his own spin on events. Bill Skarsgård’s take on Pennywise is suitably unsettingly and otherworldly; what he lacks in Curry’s charisma he more than makes up for by being genuinely creepy and a fearsome menace. Muschietti also focuses on the friendship and troubles of his child protagonists incredibly well, anchoring them to the film’s central narrative and allowing King’s themes of childhood and loss of innocence to play out beautifully. With a lengthy runtime and concluding on a fantastic tease for a second chapter, this new version of It, while not without its issues (primarily regarding screen time for the many characters), did not disappoint in realising the gruesome potential that the miniseries could only hint at.

7 Dawn of the Dead (Snyder, 2004)

Released at the peak of Hollywood’s new-found fondness for zombie films in the early-to-mid-2000s, largely spearheaded by 28 Days Later (Boyle, 2002) and the God-awful Resident Evil (Anderson, 2002) and its decent-enough sequel, Resident Evil: Apocalypse (ibid, 2004), Zack Snyder’s remake of George A. Romero’s massively-influential 1978 film of the same name takes the general themes and premise of its source material and ramps them up with some incredible action, grotesque gore effects, and a much-needed modern day gloss. While zombie purists may lament the inclusion of the fast-moving, animalistic undead introduced in 28 Days Later, Snyder’s rapid editing and penchant for style over substance make the creatures more vicious and scary than in Romero’s original film. With some great supporting performances by the likes of Ving Rhames and Michael Kelly (and even a brief cameo by Ken Foree, repeating his iconic line from the original film), Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead is a non-stop masterpiece of zombie cinema that never slows down to the snail’s pace that Romero’s introspective original prefers to adopt.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre
6 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Nispel, 2003)

One of the primary reasons I was inspired to make this list, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (Hooper, 1974) was a film that desperately needed this remake! Seriously, the original might have been shocking and gruesome at the time but, since then, it has not aged well; it’s a slow, dull piece of cinema that drags on way too long, with questionable acting and a lifeless soundtrack. The only redeeming quality comes from the maniacal Sawyer family, and even they are a hooting, loud bunch of camp. Produced by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes, which would go on to be responsible for a variety of horror remakes, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is much better than it had any right to be. With an uncomfortable gradient, shocking soundtrack, and even some decent performances by Jessica Biel and Eric Balfour, Nispel’s remake downplays the cannibalistic nature of the franchise in favour of grotesque torture-porn levels of horror.

While the film reintroduces Leatherface (Andrew Bryniarski), one of horror’s most iconic figures, and even suggests a tragic backstory for the character, Nispel’s Chainsaw brought us one of the most despicable and significant horror icons in years in the form of Sherriff Hoyt (masterfully embodied by the great R. Lee Ermey). Hoyt, a tobacco-chewing, foul-mouthed sadist, drives the plot of this remake, raises its quality to another level, and his popularity was arguably responsible for the equally-enjoyable prequel, The Texas Chain saw Massacre: The Beginning (Liebesman, 2006). On a side note, though, am I the only one shocked that, including remakes and reimaginings, the Chainsaw franchise is made up of eight separate movies? Crazy!

The Blob
5 The Blob (Russell, 1988)

Now we’re getting somewhere! Irvin Yeaworth’s original 1958 film, starring Steve McQueen, was a campy piece of B-movie mush that has come to resemble a comedy more than a science-fiction piece. Channelling the likes of David Cronenberg and John Carpenter, Chuck Russell’s reimagining, however, takes the story of the bulbous alien lifeform to far more grotesque levels. Incorporating some incredibly disgusting practical effects, the population of a small town is literally dissolved by the titular amoeba. Although some of the composite shots are obviously dated by today’s standards, an entirely CGI rendition of the Blob would probably have aged incredibly poorly by now. Instead, The Blob retains a level of camp in its premise but, with its gruesome effects and no-nonsense attitude, is a great example of how effective and impactful practical effects can be.

Friday the 13th
4 Friday the 13th (Nispel, 2009)

We’re back with Marcus Nispel and Platinum Dunes for this masterfully well-crafted remake of not only the original 1980 classic but, also, the first three sequels. Similar to Halloween, for those who find the original movies to be dated and cut-and-pasted, by-the-numbers slasher films with very little to differentiate them from each other until Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (Steinmann, 1985) then this is the film for you! In fact, I often encourage newcomers to watch this film and then jump straight to Jason Lives! Friday the 13th Part VI (McLoughlin, 1986); not because the continuity would tie together but, by doing that, you watch one kick-ass film with loads of gratuitous mid-2000s sex (which is far more graphic, enjoyable, and realistic than sex scenes from the 1980s) and horror imagery that sums up the first four entries of the franchise incredibly well and then you can delve into the enjoyable nonsense of zombie Jason Voorhees.

Beginning with the brutal decapitation of Mrs. Voorhees (Nana Visitor) and detailing how Jason (Caleb Guss/Derek Mears) witnessed her murder and grew up alone in the wooded forests of Camp Crystal Lake, as well as detailing Jason’s transformation from the lesser-known burlap sack look to the now-iconic hockey mask, Friday the 13th is filled with some incredibly gruesome kills as Jason uses bear traps, snares, and other tricks to entrap and kill hapless teenagers all over the shop. Add to that some strong performances by Danielle Panabaker, Aaron Yoo, and Jared Padalecki and you have an intense, non-stop horror film that, like Jason, comes at you a mile a minute. Honestly, the only bad thing I have to say about this film is that, despite making $92.7 million on a budget of $19 million, we never saw a sequel; even Rob Zombie’s Halloween got a shitty sequel!

The Thing
3 John Carpenter’s The Thing (Carpenter, 1982) and The Thing (Heijningen Jr, 2011)

Here’s some more controversy for you: I actually liked Matthijs van Heijningen Jr’s version of The Thing. It starred Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who I absolutely adore, and, while marketed as a remake, was actually, ingeniously, a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 horror/sci-fi classic. Based exclusively on a brief scene from Carpenter’s film, van Heijningen Jr’s The Thing details how a Norwegian research team unearth an extraterrestrial craft and unwittingly awaken a shape-changing, parasitic alien lifeform and concludes with the survivors attempting to hunt down and eliminate the creature’s final form, which leads directly into the beginning of Carpenter’s The Thing.

Drawing loosely from both Christian Nyby’s 1952 B-movie classic The Thing From Another World! and the story that inspired it, Who Goes There? (Campbell, 1938), John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of the quintessential examples of the effectiveness of practical special effects to the horror genre. Kurt Russell and Keith David lead the charge when their small Antarctic outpost is slowly assimilated by the titular alien creature, leaving the survivors to descend into distrust and anarchy as they struggle to fight off the ever-growing menace both outside and within their number. Carpenter’s film features some truly incredibly moments of practical effects wizardry, from a torso sprouting razor sharp teeth, to a severed head growing spider-like appendages and a dog literally splitting in two as tentacles blast out from its head; yet, while its similarly-impressive practical effects were tampered with in post-production, I never felt like Heijningen Jr’s The Thing was sub-par to Carpenter’s film. Instead, it works amazing well as a companion piece, allowing one to binge-watch both movies side-by-side and be suitably entertained.

2 Evil Dead (Alvarez, 2013)

Similar to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Sam Raimi’s landmark 1981 horror film The Evil Dead was in desperate need of a remake. Sure, the stop-motion, puppetry, and practical effects were great considering the limited time and budget Raimi had available to him but, over time, neither they nor the acting have aged incredibly well. In fact, for me, Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn (Raimi, 1987), which retells the events of the original in its opening moments, already surpassed Raimi’s original film by leaps and bounds: Ash (epitomised by Bruce Campbell) is a far more capable, well-rounded character, the effects are much better, and the film adopts a quirky style of black comedy that was sorely missing in the original. Fast forward to 2013 and, rather than attempt to emulate Raimi’s black comedy style, Fede Alvarez approaches his remake with an intense seriousness.

The horror is brutal and horrendous to look at; there’s no laughing deer heads here. Instead, characters saw their arms off, are attacked by nail guns, get beaten by crowbars, and are forced to tear their arms off at the elbow in gruesome fashion. The plot is largely the same, with a group of largely likeable characters accidentally awakening an ancient evil, but the stakes are much higher; here, the evil seeks to take on a physical form and bring about the apocalypse whereas in Raimi’s original film it simply wanted to claim the souls of those trapped in the cabin. While it lacks a character as iconic as Ash, Evil Dead makes up for it with some truly difficult to watch moments that are both sickening and perversely entertaining; even Raimi’s controversial tree rape scene is included and utilised in a far more effective and plot-relevant way and that alone is reason enough to place this film over the original, in my view.

The Fly
1 The Fly (Cronenberg, 1986)

This is it, the quintessential argument that not all remakes are bad and that they can, in some cases, vastly surpass their originals. While Kurt Neumann’s 1958 film of the same name may be closer to the original story and is still a pretty decent piece of 1950s science-fiction, despite its now campy tone, Cronenberg took the idea of a man teleporting himself with a fly and took it to whole new levels. Before, the man bore the head and arm of the fly as a result of the accident and slowly deteriorated into madness; here, though, thanks largely to an absolutely stellar performance by the always-amazing Jeff Goldblum, Cronenberg details the physical and mental degradation of his main character, Seth Brundle, in painstakingly brutal detail. Brundle, a brilliant scientist, initially embraces his newfound physical attributes before realising that he has been stricken by an infection on a cellular level not unlike AIDS or cancer. Soon, his body deteriorates at an alarming rate, with top-notch special effects being employed to make Goldblum practically unrecognisable through heavy make-up and full-body prosthetics.

As he alienates those around him, Brundle’s mind also begins to depreciate; initially desperate to reverse the effects, he soon comes to believe that he was never a man to begin with and prepares a gruesome legacy for himself whereby he will merge his crippled body with that of his lover (a strong, heartwrenching performance by Geena Davis) and his unborn child. In the process, he not only dissolves his rival’s hand and foot with corrosive fly vomit but literally bursts out of the remains of his decrepit human skin to emerge as a grotesque fly-like creature, before finally, tragically, forcing his lover to end his torment. The Fly transcends boundaries; it is a horrific tale of science gone wrong, a body horror with terrifying consequences but, at its heart, it is also an extremely tragic love story. Cronenberg did what many fail to do with their remakes; he took the original concept and not only put his own spin on it but also transformed it into something entirely separate from the source material and yet vastly superior to it in many ways.

Arguably, remakes like A Nightmare on Elm Street (Bayer, 2010) (which attempted to put a unique spin on the franchise and ended up becoming a carbon-copy retelling of Wes Craven’s seminal 1984 original), Total Recall (Wiseman, 2012), RoboCop (Padilha, 2014) could really learn a thing or two from The Fly, and many of the remakes on this list. If you’re going to remake a movie, don’t just retread the same material as before; go back to the source, back to the text, and either produce a more faithful adaptation or extrapolate the core themes and general premise and produce a great movie, rather than a simple, insulting cash-grab.

Talking Movies: It: Chapter One

Talking Movies
It

Twenty-seven years after the much-lauded (but equally criticised) miniseries by Tommy Lee Wallace and some thirty years after the publication of Stephen King’s original novel, director Andy Mushietti brings one of King’s most terrifying works (and my personal favourite book ever) to the big screen with the novel’s gruesome imagery and themes largely intact. Unlike the novel, It takes place at the back-end of the 1980s and revolves around the coming together of seven outsiders to face an unspeakable, shape-changing nightmare in their quaint little town. Bill Denbrough (Jaeden Lieberher), who suffers from an uncontrollable stutter, is absolutely devastated after his little brother, Georgie (Jackson Robert Scott), goes missing one rainy afternoon.

While Bill, blinded by grief and guilt, is determined prove that Georgie is still alive, Georgie has actually fallen prey to Pennywise the Dancing Clown (Bill Skarsgård), a sewer-dwelling maniacal shape-changing creature that feeds on children. With school out for the summer, Pennywise begins to haunt and terrorise several of the neighbourhood children, who are already struggling to avoid being targeted by local bully Henry Bowers (Nicholas Hamilton) and their own adolescent issues. While Bill regularly visits the Barrens and investigates the sewer outflow pipes alongside his friends Richie (Finn Wolfhard), Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer), and Stan (Wyatt Oleff), they run into local new kid Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor) and, while patching up the wounds he suffered at Bowers’ hands, join up with Beverly (Sophia Lillis). As the group bond as friends, they each recount their encounters with Pennywise, share stories of the history of their home town, and work to figure out how they can avoid ending up on missing posters

After a particularly apocalyptic rock fight against Bowers and his friends, they befriend Mike (Chosen Jacobs), the only black kid in town, and figure out that Pennywise appears to live beneath a dilapidated house. Journeying inside, they are attacked by Pennywise and realise that, together, they are able to wound and stand up to the creature. The remainder of the film deals with them overcoming their own individual fears and coming together as a group to not only solve the mystery surrounding Bill’s brother but also destroy an evil that has apparently existed for hundreds of years. Although primarily revolving around a horrific situation, the core themes of It are friendship and coming to terms with adolescence and the loss of innocence. Fittingly, the depiction of the child protagonists is staggeringly on point; the Losers Club (as they dub themselves) all seem to be close friends and their dialogue and interactions appear real and well-developed. However, due to the sheer amount of characters present in the narrative, some of them get less development time than others; Richie never encounters Pennywise by himself (which seems an odd omission given that the other six characters all get attacked by Pennywise separately before coming together), and Mike is largely absent and a lot of his characteristics are transplanted onto Ben (who also isn’t as prominent as he is in the book or miniseries). Despite this, the characters are all very likeable and layered characters, each dealing with their own problems and struggling to deal with the trials they face as children.

The real star of the show here is Bill Skarsgård. While Tim Curry put in a truly iconic performance in the original miniseries, playing the part of Pennywise with a manic glee that remains iconic to this day, Skarsgård opts for a far more intimidating, creepy take on the character. Pennywise taunts his prey, lulling them in with Its comedic appearance and mocking them as It seeks to bring their fear to breaking out and feast upon their flesh. While Pennywise is noticeably absent for sections of the film’s middle, the entire plot and motivations of the children revolve confronting It; this also serves to give Skarsgård’s appearances that much more impact and he really embodies the dark comedic menace of the creature. Right off the bat, It sets itself up to be much more “inspired by” King’s book than directly based upon it. As an adaptation, it retains many key scenes, themes, and characters from the book but places them within entirely new settings. Unlike The Dark Tower (Arcel, 2017), It has the runtime to properly flesh out the child protagonists and bring King’s story to the screen in a far more faithful way. It’s fair to say, though, that, much like the original miniseries, It is quite a departure from the book. The violence and general themes are present but a lot of the specifics are altered; Pennywise takes different forms than in the book and attacks the children in very different ways, and the idea that they can overcome It by not being afraid of It is far more pronounced here than it is in the book.

Perhaps the biggest departure is the fact that It revolves entirely on the narrative of the children; the book and miniseries detail how the children encounter It in the 1950s and then again as adults in the 1990s. All throughout the film’s marketing, no mention was made of inserting the adult narrative into the film or producing another movie to tell that story but it turns out this was a masterful strategy as, right before the end credits play, the film retitles itself as It: Chapter One, which should hopefully mean that a second chapter will follow to complete the story. This means that It is purely focused on developing and portraying the characters as children, establishing the world they inhabit and the rules of that world, as well as dipping its toe into the more metaphysical aspects of Pennywise. Is It the beginning of a new age of successful, profitable horror movies? The critical and commercial success seems to think so, though I was slightly disappointed to find that the film is more about the in-your-face, loud scares and less on haunting, spine-tingling scares, as I had hoped and suspected from the trailers (most disappointing of all was that the creepy soundtrack heard in the trailers was absent from the film). However, It doesn’t rely on random jump scares as much as you might think; the tension builds appropriately well and the payoff is suitably cathartic – Pennywise’s possession of the kids’ slide projector and attacks them in a large, monstrous form exemplifies this wonderfully. As an adaptation of one of King’s works, It fares a lot better than The Dark Tower and many other adaptations. Many liberties are taken with the source material but they all retain the essence of the text in a way that fits and feels natural, while still leaving plenty of unused material for the sequel. Some characters could’ve been given more screen time and a bit more spotlight but, overall, the film works extremely well as a coming of age story featuring a truly creepy and horrific villain.

My Rating:

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Fantastic

Recommended: Definitely, if only to finally see a really well done adaptation of a Stephen King story.
Best moment: Probably the first real showdown between the Losers and Pennywise in the house on Neibolt Street.
Worst moment: Despite the decent runtime and the well-developed characters, the lack of screen time for Mike and Ben was a bit of a miss-step for me.

Back Issues: DC’s Crisis Conundrum

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Ever since the 1938 introduction of Clark Kent/Superman, DC Comics has been known for its vast array of costumed crimefighters and interconnected, densely populated fictional narratives. For decades, continuity was played fast and loose; Superman evolved from being a moderately powerful superhuman who could leap over tall buildings into a God-like figure who could turn back time, possessed a super-human intellect, and could tow entire worlds through space with ease. Similarly, Bruce Wayne/Batman was depicted as being as youthful as ever despite having been active since 1939 and having taken part in World War Two. Some of these issues were resolved when, in the 123rd issue of The Flash, DC Comics introduced the concept of the multiverse. The issue postulated that there were an infinite number of parallel worlds co-existing in the same space and time but slightly out of synch with our own world due to being on a different vibrational frequency. The fallout from “Flash of Two Worlds” (Fox, et al) was the revelation that DC’s Golden Age superheroes, such as the Justice Society of America and older versions of Superman and Batman, existed on the parallel world known as Earth-Two while their Silver Age contemporaries (Hal Jordan, Barry Allen, and the like) in the Justice League of America existed on Earth-One.

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Superman was originally more like a God than a man.

This concept allowed DC Comics to portray multiple iterations of their most popular characters as existing side-by-side, as well as numerous alternative worlds; Earth-Three, for example, was home to the Crime Syndicate, made up of villainous versions of the Justice League, while Earth-S was home to Freddy Freeman/Captain Marvel and other characters DC acquired from their purchase of Fawcett Comics. Unfortunately, decades of over-reliance of the multiverse concept meant that, by the 1980s, DC continuity was extremely difficult to keep track of and DC Comics were virtually inaccessible to new readers who had no idea what the multiverse was, much less how it worked. As a result, DC embarked on their most ambitious inter-company crossover yet. Crisis on Infinite Earths (Wolfman, et al, 1985) saw the entirety of the DC multiverse under threat from the malevolent Anti-Monitor. Seeking to rule in the desolation of nothingness, the Anti-Monitor begins destroying entire parallel worlds with an anti-matter wave, reducing their number from infinite to a mere five and causing the deaths of Barry Allen/The Flash and Kara Zor-El/Supergirl. In the end, Kal-L/Superman of Earth-Two, Alexander Luthor of Earth-Three, and Superboy of Earth-Prime end the Anti-Monitor’s threat and retreat to a “pocket dimension”, alongside the Lois Lane of Earth-Two, where they are protected from the merging of the remaining worlds.

Crises were commonplace in the Silver Age before DC tried to streamline their complex continuity.

It seemed like DC had come up with the perfect way to consolidate their continuity; the concept of parallel worlds was done away with and one singular reality was established. Stories like Superman: The Man of Steel (Byrne, et al, 1986) and Batman: Year One (Miller, et al, 1987) re-established the origins of DC’s flagship characters and, over the next few years, DC established that, while the events prior to the Crisis had occurred, very few of the characters who survived remembered much beyond vagaries (Wally West, for example, was now the Flash and knew, like everyone else, that Barry had died saving the world but not the exact specifics of how and why). Additionally, DC Comics began emphasising the idea of legacy superheroes; the Justice Society of America was established as having been active during World War Two and, while some of their members were active in present day continuity, they were noticeable aged and took on more of a mentorship role. Unfortunately, DC dropped the ball with Crisis. Rather than simply end every existing comic they published and reboot with brand new issue one’s and origin stories, some characters (such as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman) were not reintroduced into the new canon until much later. Others, like the Legion of Superheroes, had their entire origins altered forever by the removal of Superboy from the new canon (something that could have easily been remedied had DC simply rebooted the Legion and had them be inspired by Superman; instead, writers hastily incorporated an alternative Superboy from a pocket dimension or substituted him with Mon-El).

Zero Hour tried to fix DC’s post-Crisis lore but actually did more harm than good.

In an effort to address some of these lingering issues, and further incorporate some of the popular Pre-Crisis characters and ideas into modern continuity, DC capitalised on Green Lantern Hal Jordan’s recent descent into madness, genocide, and villainy with another massive inter-company event. Zero Hour: Crisis in Time! (Jurgens, et al, 1994) saw Jordan, as Parallax, absorbing vast amounts of cosmic and chronal energy with which he planned to remake reality and undo all the wrongs that had happened since the death of Superman. Due to Parallax messing about with time, many continuity changes were forced into DC canon; Superman was explicitly described as having debuted “ten years ago”, the Legion of Superheroes were (finally) completely rebooted, Batman’s killer became anonymous and at large, and all conflicting versions of Carter Hall/Hawkman were consolidated into one singular character since DC never really bothered to reboot his origin story following the original Crisis. With the bulk of Zero Hour’s five-issue run being made up primarily of exposition from Richard Rider/Waverider or Parallax, many of the consequences of Parallax’s actions were told in DC’s individual comics. In the end, despite the insanity of time literally being ripped apart around them, the heroes were able to thwart Parallax’s efforts and allow time and reality to unfold naturally, albeit with many changes. Zero Hour resulted in many changes to popular DC characters; Guy Gardner suddenly became a shape-changing Vuldarian, many of the Justice Society were rapidly aged or killed off, Connor Hawke was introduced as the new Green Arrow, and Arthur Curry/Aquaman now sported an unkempt look and a harpoon for a hand.

Infinite Crisis returned the multiverse to the DC universe.

However, Zero Hour actually created more problems than it solved; Hawkman’s origins were no more clearer now than they had been before. Eventually, The Return of Hawkman (Goyer, et al, 2002) returned the character to mainstream continuity, explaining that the character was locked in a constant cycle of death and rebirth. Additionally, DC sought to address their ongoing continuity issues (and tell out of continuity stories) through the concept of Hypertime, which, much like the previous infinite Earths concept, allowed for alternative versions of events to be played out. Eventually, and with the twentieth anniversary of the original Crisis looming, DC decided to commission their biggest inter-company crossover yet. Consisting of multiple ongoing stories all building up to its central narrative, Infinite Crisis (John, et al, 2006) aimed to not only re-establish the multiverse concept and finally tie-up all of the lingering continuity issues left in the wake of Crisis on Infinite Earths and Zero Hour, but also move the company away from the dark stories that had dominated during the mid-nineties. After numerous event-scale storylines, the DC trinity (Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman) were divided and the DC universe was in turmoil. Frustrated with how bad Earth heroes have let things get and perceiving that they have squandered their new world, Kal-L, Alexander Luthor, and Superboy-Prime break free from their pocket dimension and set about cannibalising the Anti-Monitor’s corpse to re-establish the multiverse and return peace and order to the universe. However, it turns out that seeing his world destroyed and having his youth ripped away from him, coupled with living in isolation and the machinations of Alexander Luthor, have driven Superboy-Prime mad. While Alexander straps various heroes and villains to an inter-dimensional tuning fork, Superboy-Prime goes on an accidental murder spree before Bart Allen/Kid Flash forces him into the Speed Force itself, at the cost of Wally West and his family.

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Infinite Crisis smashed together parallel worlds created 52 alternate Earths.

However, Superboy-Prime escapes, sporting a modified version of the Anti-Monitor’s armour and driven completely insane. With no regard for himself or others, he goes on a rampage; although Conner Kent/Kon-El/Superboy destroys Alexander’s inter-dimensional tower, it costs him his life and, finally convinced that Alexander’s plan would mean the genocide of countless lives, Kal-L joins forces with Superman to end Superboy-Prime’s threat. Infinite Crisis ends with the multiverse restored; though instead of there being an infinite number of parallel worlds, there were now a much more easy to wield fifty-two alternate Earths. In the aftermath, DC’s titles all jumped forward one year later, while the weekly 52 series explored the fallout of the events from the main crossover. This New Earth restored Superboy to Superman’s origin, depicted multiple non-canon stories as existing on the alternative Earths, introduced a new all-powerful villain in the form of Superboy-Prime, and resulted in Batman becoming far more trusting and open with his allies and family. For me, this was a great time to be reading DC comics. Unlike previous Crisis-level events, Infinite Crisis felt like a soft reboot that would be accessible to new readers; the multiverse existed but rarely impacted mainstream DC continuity and it felt like DC had finally closed the door of the events of the original Crisis and had finally moved on.

And then Grant Morrison happened.

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somethingsomethingsomething Darkseid somethingsomething…

Morrison spearheaded an inter-company crossover that would change the DC universe forever. Unfortunately, DC decided to spend an entire year building up to this event with the weekly Countdown (later Countdown to Final Crisis) series, in addition to numerous tie-in and spin-off titles. As Countdown was of far less writing and artistic quality compared to 52, and due to the fact that many of its events contradicted what was happening in the associated titles, the build up towards Final Crisis (Morrison, et al, 2009) was lacklustre and confusing, to say the least. The basic premise, as far as I can understand it (Morrison’s writing is confusing and disjointed at the best of times) is that the New Gods have all died and been reincarnated on New Earth, causing a tear in space, time, and reality. Reborn, Darkseid finally solves the Anti-Life Equation and enslaves the planet; however, using a radion bullet, Batman mortally wounds Darkseid, before being erased from existence. As his essence dies, Darkseid attempts to obliterate all of reality until he is finally thwarted by Superman; Superman, and an army of his counterparts from across the multiverse then restore Earth and reality before it can be destroyed by Darkseid and Mandrakk, the Dark Monitor. Once you got past the mess of Morrison’s writing and the mess of a build-up to the main event, the fallout from Final Crisis made for very accessible stories. DC also focused on using the Green Lantern titles to expand their universe through sprawling, inter-connected stories.

Dick Grayson took over as Batman before Flashpoint gave us an angst-ridden jerk version of Superman.

However, rather than fully capitalise on this (by, say, returning Bruce Wayne to life as an aged man, killing off Alfred, and having an elderly Wayne take his place as mentor to the new Batman and Robin), DC instead decided to undo all of their recent efforts a mere two years after the end of Final Crisis. The best thing about Final Crisis was the fallout; Batman, thought dead, actually embarked on a trip through time and space that threatened all reality until he was safely returned home by the Justice League. However, in the meantime, his duties were performed by Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne as an all-new, fresh take on the Batman and Robin duo. Additionally, both Kon-El and Bart Allen were resurrected and, for fans of the Silver Age, Barry Allen finally returned to the land of the living to become the Flash once more (though, personally, I am more of a fan of Wally West). In Flashpoint (Johns, et al, 2011), Barry Allen’s grief apparently got the better of him, causing him to go back in time and save his mother’s life. This results in a vastly altered timeline, which threatens to solidify itself as the true reality unless Barry can set things right. Teaming up with Thomas Wayne, here a violent version of Batman, and amidst an ongoing war between Atlantis and the Amazons, the Reverse-Flash reveals the key to restoring reality to Barry, allowing him to undo his actions. However, instead, we got what DC marketed as the “New 52” reality for the better part of five years. In this radically altered version of events, the DC universe has only existed for five years (meaning that Batman burned through one Robin every year-and-a-half or so), Barbara Gordon controversially recovered from the Joker’s attack and continued to fight crime as Batgirl, and many characters got entirely new origin stories (Superboy, Supergirl, and, in particular, Superman was changed so drastically that I swear he was a completely different character).

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Convergence slightly altered the original Crisis.

Additionally, Wildstorm and Vertigo publications were officially absorbed into the DC universe, while many recent events, particularly in Batman and Green Lantern titles, continued with very little alteration, truly begging the question as to why DC even bothered to reboot their continuity so severely just as their titles had become engaging and accessible for new and long-term readers. The biggest problem with the New 52, however, was that while DC still incorporated a version of the multiverse (complete with slightly different versions of Earth-Two and Earth-Three), it took DC almost a year to properly establish their new continuity; many characters went without detailed revised origins until this time, causing a great deal of confusion as to what events and characters were still canon, and largely alienating me in the process. Eventually, though, DC decided to bring the New 52 to a close and restart everything…again…using the Convergence (King, et al, 2015) storyline to kick-start their Rebirth titles. In Convergence, Brainiac has collected numerous cities and their inhabitants from across the multiverse (even some from prior to the original Crisis) and deposited them on Telos, a sentient planet that forces them to fight each other to see which is superior. Amidst the chaos and the fighting, the sorcerer Deimos usurps Telos and declares himself ruler and protector of this imprisoned on there. Eventually, Deimos is defeated by Parallax (drawn straight out of Zero Hour), which causes a chain reaction that threatens to annihilate the entire multiverse (…again). Brainiac, seeking to atone for his misdeeds, intervenes and sends pre-Flashpoint Superman and Zero Hour-Parallax back to the original Crisis to change its outcome and save the multiverse from collapsing.

Rebirth returned pre-Flashpoint characters and brought the Watchmen to the DC Universe.

Convergence concluded with the return of the multiverse proper, with a potentially infinite number of worlds once again present in DC comics, while absorbing yet more commonly displaced titles into DC continuity; an ongoing theme throughout the resultant Rebirth-branded comics has been the introduction of characters from Watchmen (Moore, et al, 1987) into the larger DC universe for the first time. Perhaps the best thing to come out of Convergence and the resultant Rebirth titles was not only the death of the New 52-Superman but the return of the pre-Flashpoint Superman and the true Wally West. The pre-Flashpoint Superman is revealed to have been living a quiet family life with his version of Lois Lane and their young son and, despite starting as a separate character, has recently been amalgamated with and replaced the new 52-Superman entirely. Additionally, Wally now exists alongside his biracial counterpart, retconned as being his cousin, and even explains that Flashpoint was actually caused by Doctor Jon Osterman/Doctor Manhattan rather than Barry Allen. So, once again, DC Comics have been softly rebooted to attract new readers while reintroducing numerous popular concepts and characters into mainstream continuity. The return of the pre-Flashpoint Superman, a confidant married man with a superpowered child, is enough to bring me back to DC after the debacle of the New 52 yet their ongoing titles (particularly, again, Batman and Green Lantern, and even The Flash) continue the stories from the New 52 and with little consequence from the events of Convergence save for Batman and the Flash’s investigation of the Comedian’s button.

While Crises can be fun, they often cause more problems than they solve.

One of the things I love about DC Comics is that they’ll cook up a massive story whenever they want to make major continuity changes (as opposed to Marvel, who usually just quietly retcon stuff away, ignore it completely, or constantly update their sliding timescale to keep everything within an approximate five year timeline). While this means that everything can be canon at any one time, DC have notoriously dropped the ball with every Crisis-level event they produce. After Crisis, every title should have reset to zero and all continuity should have been rewritten and reset to accommodate the major changes they had made; to only have a few titles do this is ludicrous and created a knock-on effect that led to the disastrous Zero Hour event. It wasn’t until Infinite Crisis and Final Crisis that DC finally resolved the fallout from the original Crisis, and then they went and threw it all away with Flashpoint in an obvious attempt to bring in new readers unfamiliar with the events that had already transpired. Ironically, as a long-time comics fan, even I sometimes struggle with these massive Crisis events because they require a lot of background reading. As I mentioned, the New 52 publications alienated me completely and it’s only recently, now that DC has moved on to the Rebirth branding, that I have bothered to collect some key New 52 graphic novels. The worst part is that DC and Warner Bros. apparently would rather reference and incorporate elements from the multiverse concept in their movies and television shows. For example, the Flash seen in The Flash television show is not the Flash we see in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Snyder, 2016). This goes even further though as the Superman seen in Supergirl is not the Henry Cavill version of the character and Supergirl is not only separate the DC movies but also from The Flash, Arrow, and DC’s Legends of Tomorrow television shows (The Flash even goes to great lengths to introduce and explore the concept of the multiverse, again represented as 52 parallel worlds).

The DCEU is quite divided, to say the least.

This basically means that we will never see Stephen Amell appear as Green Arrow alongside Ben Affleck’s Batman and has resulted in two versions of the Flash, two wildly different versions of Batman’s origin between Batman v Superman and Gotham, two iterations of the Suicide Squad, and many more all existing simultaneously on television and in movies. DC and Warner Bros. then compound things even further by constantly talking about the multiverse and hinting that their movies are not all connected all with the intention of presenting themselves as doing things differently from Marvel Studios. However, the multiverse concept is incredibly complex and something only die-hard fanboys really understand. The general audience might not quite be ready for it and, besides that, it seems really stupid to want to have three different versions of Superman on screen at any one time, especially as DC have previously placed an embargo on Batman crossing over into other television properties. The multiverse has worked in comics because it has existed for so long and been explored to death; The Flash has done a great job of introducing the concept but that had three entire seasons to explore and discuss it at length. For a movie to do it would surely be far more trouble than it’s worth beyond simplifying it to a great degree, perhaps by introducing the Crime Syndicate or stating that a villain such as Darkseid has devoured parallel worlds or something.

Hopefully, however, DC has learned to better manage their Crisis-level events from now on, and also to limit them to one every ten or fifteen years or so; having massive inter-connected plots where the fate of the multiverse is at stake (and sticking guys like Batman at the centre of them!) occur every two to five years is just overkill, in my opinion, especially if DC screw the pooch as badly as the did with the New 52.

Talking Movies: The Dark Tower

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Between 1982 and 2012, notable horror writer Stephen King produced a series of seven novels (and one spin-off) that made up what he referred to as his magnum opus. Over the years, numerous writers and directors have attempted to launch a film series base don King’s Dark Tower books, only to run into various issues at every turn. Finally, after nearly ten years in development hell, 2017 sees the release of Nikolaj Arcel’s adaptation of King’s work. The Dark Tower tells the story of a young boy named Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor), who suffers from regular nightmares and visions of a mysterious Dark Tower, a malevolent Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey), and a grizzled Gunslinger named Roland Deschain (Idris Elba). Jake’s dreams also involves the Man in Black and his henchmen, who wear false faces, strapping children to a device that draws their life-force out to attack the Dark Tower

Given that Jake is clearly struggling to cope with the loss of his father, his mother, Katheryn (Laurie Chambers), tries to help Jake by sending him to a psychiatrist (José Zúñiga), to no avail. However, when he suspects that two representatives of a mental institute are emissaries of the Man in Black, he runs away from home and tracks down a dilapidated house he saw in his dreams. Inside, he finds a control console that opens a doorway to another dimension, Mid-World, and, after being attacked by the house itself, he enters to find himself stranded in the vast alien desert from his nightmares. Eventually, he runs into Roland, who is on his own quest for revenge against the Man in Black after the sorcerer killed not only his entire people but also his father (Dennis Haysbert). After learning that Jake’s dreams can lead him to the Man in Black, Roland reluctantly allows Jake to tag along with him through the desolate remains of times and worlds long gone in order to get his revenge.

The first thing you really need to know about this film, if you’ve read the Dark Tower books, is that this is not a page-for-page adaptation of the series. It’s not even a direct adaptation of the first book; instead, the film draws influences from many of the different books and, if Arcel is to be believed, is actually a canonical sequel to the final book in the series. Therefore, if you were hoping to come into this to see the events of The Gunslinger (King, 1982) play out, you’ll be disappointed. To be fair, The Gunslinger is probably too short to be its own film, much less the first part in a seven film series. Additionally, Roland’s famous Ka-tet do not feature at all, although many events from the books in which they appear are represented: Roland is injured and poisoned after an attack and must get treatment on Jake’s world (“Keystone Earth”). There, he visits a gun shop and stocks up on bullets; he also briefly teaches Jake how to shoot like a Gunslinger and takes part in a shoot-out at the Dixie Pig, similar to The Song of Susannah (King, 2004).

Apparently, The Dark Tower is supposed to launch an ongoing television series, with the main characters all reprising their roles, and even a sequel that will involve more content from The Drawing of the Three (King, 1987). However, the film feels more like a stand-alone, condensed version of the books and it does not conclude on an obvious cliffhanger or with explicit sequel-bait. To veer into spoiler territory, Jake is apprehended by the Man in Black due to his incredibly powerful psychic powers and strapped into the chair from his nightmares. However, having had his true calling to protect the Dark Tower awoken by Jake’s influence, Roland blasts his way through the Dixie Pig and confronts the Man in Black, putting a bullet through his head. Roland then destroys the machine, and the base in which it was housed, and ends the Man in Black’s assault against the Dark Tower. After, he and Jake return to Mid-World together and the film ends with basically everything wrapped up: Jake has realised that he’s not crazy and achieved closure over the loss of his father and Roland has realised his revenge and rediscovered his calling. Although the theme throughout is that darkness will continually attempt to destroy the Dark Tower (I guess I should say at some point that this would result in horrific monsters entering the multiverse and destroying all life) and there are some hints towards a larger, looming evil (the Crimson King), watching the film you get the real sense that everyone was aiming to make only one movie.

Having read all of the books and only found maybe a third of them to be enjoyable, I actually really liked The Dark Tower. It drew the most interesting aspects from the books and paid homage to the larger world that King created (in addition to numerous references to his other stories) without being bogged down by some of the more convoluted and cringe-worthy moments from the books (such as King including himself as a character, the pointlessness of The Waste Lands (King, 1991), or the weirdness of Blaine the psychopathic train). The Dark Tower is Jake’s story; you follow him as the main character and Roland, while being the more enigmatic, bad-ass, and mysterious of the two, is really more of a side character until Jake ends up on Mid-World. Because of this, we only really learn about Roland’s past and the mechanics of King’s multiverse through Jake’s conversations with Roland, in which we are told just enough to know the stakes but not be overwhelmed by the complexities of King’s multi-layered worlds.

The downside to this is that we don’t get much exposition into the Man in Black. McConaughey plays the role with a nuanced relish, clearly revelling in being the personification of evil, and while kills without remorse and clearly desires the destruction of the Dark Tower and the prospect of ruling the darkness that would follow, we never find out what is exact motivations are except that he is pure evil. There is no mention of him serving the higher power of the Crimson King, no explanation regarding his henchmen, and no real tangible motivation behind any of the antagonists except that they’re clearly evil because they want to destroy the multiverse. The only reason this works in the film is due to the fact that The Dark Tower is disappointingly short; at a mere 95 minutes, the film moves at a brisk pace, emphasising action and fast-paced shoot-outs when it can. While it never feels rushed or suffers from jump cuts or even massive plot holes, it is disappointing that the film was not afforded a longer run time; I honestly feel that, if this is the only Dark Tower film to be made, they could have done the books (and the unique narrative of the film) more justice by affording it a two-and-a-half-hour runtime instead.

Fans of the books will probably be disappointed with The Dark Tower; unlike another films based on a long-running book series, The Dark Tower is not a straight-up adaptation of its source material. If it is to be the first in a film series or launch a multi-media franchise, it doesn’t appear to have done a great job of doing so. I feel as though, if there are more films made, this film will be looked at as being like The Matrix (Wachowski Brothers, 1999) in that it feels more like a stand-alone film that wasn’t meant to have a sequel. However, there is plenty of material to still draw from and plenty of potential in the ideas raised in the film to warrant at least two more movies; the disappointment comes from The Dark Tower’s inefficiency at setting these up (but, at the same time, the fact that it is not massively concerned with setting up future films makes it much easier to watch than, say, The Mummy (Kurtzman, 2017), which was criticised for being more concerned with setting up future films in the “Dark Universe” tan telling a good stand-alone story). In the end, though, I enjoyed The Dark Tower for what it was: a fantasy/action film with a compelling protagonist (Elba plays the grizzled, war-weary Roland to perfection, proving that race can have no baring on an actor’s ability to effectively portray a role), engaging set-pieces (Roland’s efficiency at dispatching his foes is unmatched; every shot is an instant kill, even when he’s poisoned to the point where he can barely stand), a charismatic antagonist (McConaughey lives his role, exuding a barely-contained hate and malice beneath an ice-cold exterior), and some extremely enjoyable allusions to other King works buried within the expansive war-torn dimension of Mid-World. It was very enjoyable while it lasted; my only real gripe is that it should’ve easily been a longer film. However, if you go into it expecting slavish fidelity to King’s magnum opus you will be disappointed, so I’d recommend putting your expectations for that aside and enjoying it as a stand-alone fantasy/action piece instead.

My Rating:

Rating: 3 out of 5.

Pretty Good

Recommended: Sure, I would say give it a watch. If you’re a die-hard Dark Tower fan though, expect to be a little disappointed.
Best moment: Roland’s battle against the Taheen that come to kidnap Jake is pretty great, with his proficiency and aim being top-notch despite his weakened condition,
Worst moment: The run-time; for a film with such potential and the expansive nature of King’s work, 95 minutes just doesn’t cut it.

Game Corner: Sonic Mania

GameCorner
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Announced at the commemoration of Sonic’s 25th anniversary, Sonic Mania (Headcannon/PagodaWest Games, 2017) is a side-scrolling, two-dimensional platformer in the spirit and style of Sonic’s original 1990s outings. Headed up by Christian “Taxman” Whitehead, in collaboration with notable members of the Sonic fangaming community, Sonic Mania sets out to be the true sequel to Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles (Sonic Team, 1994) that Sonic fans have been clamouring for for over a decade. Sonic Mania opens almost exactly the same way as Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (ibid), with Sonic and Tails flying in the Tornado towards Angel Island. Sonic’s bad luck with the floating haven continues as he immediately runs into a group of Eggrobos who unearth a mysterious gemstone (the Phantom Ruby), which blasts them all through space (and, possibly, time) back to the Green Hill Zone, where the Eggrobos have been transformed into more powerful variants, the Hard-Boiled Heavies.

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The Phantom Ruby empowers the Hard-Boiled Heavies.

From there, Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles (whose encounter with the Eggrobos takes place as they flee with the Phantom Ruby) must travel through twelve zones in pursuit of Doctor Eggman, battling his Hard-Boiled Heavies, in their quest to obtain the seven Chaos Emeralds and put a stop to them wreaking havoc with the Phantom Ruby. Players can choose to play as Sonic, Tails, or Knuckles in a solo adventure or team-up as Sonic and Tails in two-player simultaneous mode. Each character plays differently but exactly as they did in Sonic 3 & Knuckles; Sonic is the fastest and can perform a Drop-Dash, where he instantly drops into a Spin Dash attack, Tails can fly and swim for a limited time (in a welcome twist, solo players using Sonic and Tails can command Tails to fly and then have him carry Sonic around), while Knuckles has the shortest jump, can glide, and can bash through certain breakable walls that the other two characters can’t. As in Sonic 3 & Knuckles, playing as Knuckles will take players on slightly different paths and even involve battling slightly different bosses. As always, players must collect Golden Rings to survive enemy attacks and hazards, break open monitors to acquire shields (the Water, Fire, and Electricity variants also afford Sonic the ability to bounce, blast, and double-jump, respectively), enter Bonus Stages stylised like Sonic 3 & Knuckles’s Blue Sphere stages by passing checkpoints with over twenty-five Rings, and leap into hidden Giant Rings to enter Sonic the Hedgehog CD (Sonic Team, 1993) style Special Stages.

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Make no mistake, the Special Stages are no push-over!

In these Special Stages, players must collect Blue Spheres to increase their speed but also collect Golden Rings to add to the strict time limit in order to chase down a UFO holding a Chaos Emerald. Mastering these stages is the game’s hardest challenge as turns are tight, time is extremely limited, hazards are plentiful, and the UFOs do not give up their prize easily. If you try to get cute and run in the opposite direction, you’ll find yourself out of luck as the programmers thought of that and it’s basically impossible. The first thing you’ll notice when playing Sonic Mania is that it is simply gorgeous to look at; the attention to detail is staggering. Backgrounds and environments are vibrant and colourful, full of life and little details that long-time fans will delight in spotting. The game features eight zones lovingly recreated from classic Sonic titles but expanded and given additional gameplay twists and mechanics, many derived from other Sonic gameplay mechanics (for example, Stardust Speedway features the pulleys from Marble Garden Zone, Flying Battery Zone is amalgamated with Wing Fortress Zone, and Mirage Saloon Zone features the Tornado as in Sky Chase Zone). In the case of the Mirage Saloon Zone, the programmers derived the aesthetics from cancelled desert levels from Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Sonic Team/SEGA Technical Institute, 1992) and Sonic CD.

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Dust Hill and Desert Dazzle are finally realised.

The fan service doesn’t stop there, though. Chemical Plant Zone features a boss battle ripped straight from Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine (Compile/SEGA, 1993). Also, Sonic not only races against Metal Sonic in the Stardust Speedway Zone once more, but also has to battle an endless army of Silver Sonic’s from the Master System/Game Gear version of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (SEGA/Aspect, 1992).

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I certainly didn’t expect this inclusion!

Finally, in perhaps the greatest piece of fan service I have ever witnessed, players will encounter and battle against Fang the Sniper/Nack the Weasel, Bean the Dynamite, and Bark the Polar Bear, three characters long missing from the franchise since 1996. Fans have been literally begging to see these three characters return to the franchise though, up until now, the best we got were some brief homages in Sonic Generations (Sonic Team, 2011). To be fair, their depiction in Sonic Mania looks to be more of an illusion created by the Heavy Magician Hard-Boiled Heavy but the joy I felt upon seeing these three finally return, in glorious sprite form, cannot be understated; the fat little ten-year-old in me was literally geeking out right there.

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Fang/Nack, Bean, and Bark make their welcome return at last!

Sonic Mania features numerous endings, with the best ending obviously coming once players have collected all seven Chaos Emeralds. Blue Sphere bonus stages award players with either a silver or a gold medal which unlock additional bonus features (Sonic 3 & Knuckles’s Insta-Shield, Sonic CD’s Super Peel-Out, “& Knuckles Mode” to allow players to play as Sonic and Knuckles, Tails and Knuckles, or even Knuckles and Knuckles(!), a Debug Mode, and a Sound Test). Unfortunately, you are not allowed to save your progress when using these bonus features, which is one of the game’s biggest flaws.

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A love letter to the past.

Another is the plot. Honestly, there isn’t much more plot here than there was in Sonic 3 & Knuckles, with the gist of it being expertly told through in-game animations. However, given that this game takes place a short time after Sonic 3 & Knuckles, it makes no sense for Angel Island to be floating on the ocean again. It was also a bit of a contrivance to see the Phantom Ruby being unearthed on Angel Island, a place already known for being home to the Master Emerald; I would’ve preferred to see it be discovered in one of the new in-game locations.

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Play as Knuckles and Knuckles…and be rescued by Knuckles!

Furthermore, not every zone ends with an in-game transition to the next, making for a jarringly inconsistent experience at times as the Hard-Boiled Heavies disappear from the plot mid-way through the game. Finally, I can’t be the only one a bit annoyed to see Green Hill Zone and Chemical Plant Zone so soon after their recreations in Sonic Generations; I would’ve liked to have seen more emphasis on Emerald Hill Zone and maybe Mystic Cave Zone (possible with some Underground Zone and mechanical influences) and, while I loved seeing Lava Reef Zone return, the programmers maybe missed a trick by not incorporating some elements from Marble Zone and Sonic 2’s Hidden Palace Zone here. These really are very minor issues, though, as the game plays flawlessly; the controls are just as tight and reliable as they were in classic Sonic titles. There are no cheap deaths or bottomless pits here (well, very few…I only ever fell down maybe two, actually) and the game is exhilaratingly fast and extremely fun to play, while also being very challenging. The ways in which classic zones are remixed add a new layer to the game as even seasoned veterans like myself cannot be sure of what they’re going to encounter. Every boss battle involves a bit of strategy; there is far more to each encounter that just bouncing on Eggman’s head. Honestly, Sonic Mania is a must-buy not just for long-time Sonic fans but for anyone who enjoys beautiful graphics, crisp controls, and a fun, challenging gameplay. From the Sonic CD-inspired animated introduction to the eye-wateringly exquisite graphics and attention to detail in every single element of the sprites and backgrounds, to the remixed levels and soundtrack, Sonic Mania delivers on every single level. Finally, after over a decade of waiting and enduring lacklustre attempts at recapturing Sonic’s classic gameplay, SEGA have done the smartest thing they ever could and handed the keys to a group of developers with a real love and passion for the franchise and Sonic Mania exudes that from every aspect of its presentation.

My Rating:

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Fantastic

Talking Movies: Masters of the Universe

Talking Movies
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In 1987, one of the most criminally underrated and visually entertaining science-fiction/fantasy films was released. Now, thirty years later, it’s time to take a look back at the gloriously over-the-top Masters of the Universe and give it some much-overdue time in the sun. Directed by Gary Goddard, whose experience was mostly rooted in theme park attractions, on a budget of $22 million and released by Cannon Films, Masters of the Universe is the live-action adaptation of the popular line of toys and animated series of the same name. Following the success of Star Wars (Lucas, 1977) and originally designed as a toy line based on Conan the Barbarian (Milius, 1982), Mattel’s Masters of the Universe franchise depicted an ongoing battle between the heroic forces of Eternia, led by the superhuman He-Man, and the dark aspirations of the evil Skeletor. He-Man’s barbaric appearance, untamed shoulder-length hair and penchant for medieval weaponry obviously showcased his connection to Conan but Mattel made the character, and the franchise, unique by introducing a strong science-fiction element that would run parallel to the sword-and-sorcery influences of Conan.

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I used to pick these little beauties up from car boot sales for £1 a shot!

Furthermore, He-Man became a Superman-like figure in that he was able to transform from the meek, unassuming Prince Adam and into the “mightiest man in the universe” by unsheathing his sword and uttering the now-iconic phrase, “by the power of Eternia; I have the power!” Similar to the Clark Kent/Superman dynamic, very few characters were actual aware of this transformation, despite the incredible similarity between the two characters (something the 2002 relaunch of the series managed to circumvent by having the physical differences between the two characters far more obvious). Anyway, the He-Man and Masters of the Universe toys were successful enough to produce an animated series of…let’s just say questionable quality. Despite this, though, the toys and the series were popular enough to warrant a live-action adaptation. Despite the film’s budget being twice that of Star Wars, and with a proven media franchise behind it, the production Masters of the Universe suffered from two very distinct problems: being produced by Cannon Films (who were infamous for producing B-level science-fiction and action movies, had released the infamously terrible Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (Furie, 1987) only a month of two before Masters of the Universe, and were clearly no 20th Century Fox when it came to film or franchise production and management) and having aspirations way beyond the budget and the limitations of the studio.

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“I told you this was always between us”.

The plot, which sees He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his allies transported from Eternia to then-modern-day Earth by a trans-dimensional device known as the Cosmic Key, originally spent more time on Eternia and in Castle Grayskull. Instead, the film opens with Castle Grayskull, the home of the all-powerful Sorceress (Christina Pickles), being suddenly ambushed by the entirety of Skeletor’s (played gloriously by Frank Langella) forces. After rescuing Gwildor (Billy Barty), He-Man and his allies – Man-At-Arms (John Cypher) and Teela (Chelsea Field) – discover that Gwildor’s Cosmic Key was stolen from him by Skeletor’s lieutenant, Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster), and that Skeletor used the device’s ability to transport people across time and space to ambush the Sorceress. He-Man and his allies attempt to use the Cosmic Key to rescue to Sorceress, only to be repelled by Skeletor’s vast numbers and forced to flee, crash-landing on Earth. In the chaos, they lose the Key and it is picked up by a very young Tom Paris….er, I mean, Robert Duncan McNeill (who plays high school DJ Kevin Corrigan) and his girlfriend, Julie Winston (played by an also-scarily young Courteney Cox). Enraged by the existence of another Cosmic Key and desperate to have He-Man kneel before him as he absorbs the powers of the universe, Skeletor sends a team of his finest – Blade (Wesley Snipes…er, I mean, Anthony De Longis), Saurod (Pons Maars), the Beast Man (Tony Carroll), and Karg (Robert Towers) – to retrieve the Key, kill all who stand in their way, and bring He-Man to him so he can break him physically, mentally, and emotionally.

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Stop and appreciate the amazing practical effects used in this film.

However, despite Blade wielding two swords eerily similar to that of He-Man’s, the ferocity of the Beast Man, the Predator-like appearance of Saurod, and the cunning of Karg, these bozos are completely outmatched by He-Man and his allies. Less than impressed with this news, Skeletor vaporises Saurod and forces Evil-Lyn to go with them and atone for this failure. In the meantime, He-Man and his allies have met up with Kevin and Julie and, despite interference from Detective Lubic (played with relish by James Tolkan), have been attempting to figure out how the Cosmic Key actually works. However, their efforts are thwarted when Evil-Lyn leads a massive shoot out in a music shop and then uses her powers of illusion to pose as Julie’s recently-deceased mother and reclaim the Key. Although He-Man valiantly fights back against Skeletor’s forces, Skeletor arrives in person to collect the Cosmic Key and forces He-Man to surrender to him or else watch the execution of his friends and allies. A man of his word, and victorious, Skeletor departs after injuring Julie and rendering the Cosmic Key inert.

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Skeletor’s grandiose entrance ate up a good chunk of the budget but boy, was it worth it!

However, while He-Man is being tortured at Castle Grayskull, Kevin is coerced into using his knowledge of music to play the melody necessary to transport everyone back to Eternia. Although they manage to rescue He-Man, they are ultimately too late to stop Skeletor from absorbing the powers of the universe through the Great Eye. Transformed in a living God, Skeletor unleashes the full extent of his wrath towards his hated adversary, furious at He-Man’s refusal to kneel before his power. However, through sheer force of will and physical durability, He-Man reclaims his sword and engages Skeletor in combat, ultimately shattering his mystical staff and causing Skeletor’s powers to leave him. Although blindsided by Skeletor’s final attack, He-Man successfully tosses his nemesis down a seemingly-bottomless shaft and wins the day. In the end, the Sorceress is freed, Lubic retires to Eternia, and Kevin and Julie are returned to Earth just before the plane crash that killed Julie’s parents, resulting in a happy ending for all. Masters of the Universe is an impressive piece of cinematography; the set pieces, special effects, and scope of the tale are incredible. Castle Grayskull alone looks like it ate up a sizeable amount of the film’s budget, not that you’d ever know as the scenery is constantly chewed at and dominated by the enigmatic performance of Frank Langella as Skeletor.

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Langella is practically unrecognisable under the Skeletor make-up, save for his booming voice.

Langella absolutely looks to be having the time of his life, hissing with pure venom and spouting lines, with just the right inflection, that remain chilling and quotable to this day (“I must possess all or I possess nothing”, “in death I make him a martyr, a saint! No, I want him broken!”, and let’s not forget when he actual obtains the powers of the universe!). Lundgren is perfectly serviceable as He-Man; he obviously has the build and the exact look for the character. To the chagrin of many Masters of the Universe fans, the film does not mention Prince Adam at all or depict He-Man turning back and forth. You can easily explain this by saying that, most likely, Adam became He-Man right before the film started, though I prefer to believe that Prince Adam just isn’t a part of this canon. Lundgren has always been a bit like a poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger and it’s a shame that Masters of the Universe didn’t fare better critically and financially (making a dismal $17 million worldwide) because a successfully franchise might have helped Lundgren to step outside of Schwarzenegger’s shadow a bit more. The supporting cast is pretty great, too. In place of Orko (again to the chagrin of Masters of the Universe fans but, seriously, Orko was the most annoying cartoon character since Scrappy Doo!), we get the warlock Gwildor who, though easily the most annoying character in the film, is still charming in his own right and never outstays his welcome. Man-At-Arms is played to perfection by John Cypher, who depicts him as a loving father, the veteran of many wars, He-Man’s trusted confidant, and also with a dash of well-placed humour (nonchalantly stating that he “[feels] a little hungry” right on the eve of the big shoot out).

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Who needs a stupid, annoying floating wizard-thing anyway?

Teela is probably the blandest of the supporting cast but she gets plenty of opportunities to shine in battle and to voice her opinion; she chastises Gwildor for creating the Cosmic Key and thereby unwillingly causing the invasion of Castle Grayskull and vehemently begs He-Man not to surrender to Skeletor despite his heroic sacrifice sparing the lives of innocent people. Similarly, Skeletor’s lieutenants are a big positive of the film. Even guys like Saurod and the Beast Man, who don’t get a lot to say or do, really, are visually engaging and show some layers to their characters. Blade even mentions that he’s “waited a long time” to face He-Man in combat, hinting at a past history between those two. While Karg is ultimately pushed aside once Evil-Lyn takes charge, he nonetheless is a nightmarish little creature. As for Evil-Lyn, Meg Foster seems to be savouring the role almost as much as Langella, playing it with a seductive relish that makes her both detestable and fascinating. Even the human protagonists have some layers to them; sure, both actors are noticeably green here and would go on to refine their craft but Kevin’s struggle to define himself outside of high school is very relatable and Julie’s grief over her parents’ death makes her a sympathetic character. She never becomes a damsel in distress either and, when she is tricked by Evil-Lyn, you totally buy it because she has been largely unsuccessful at coping with her loss throughout the film. Of all the human characters, though, it is Lubic who shines the brightest; I’ve yet to see a role that Tolkan does not fully throw himself into and this is no exception, playing the hard-nosed unbeliever to perfection and ultimately becoming a valuable ally by the film’s conclusion. For a film that is, ultimately, a massive toy commercial,

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“I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRR!!!”

Master of the Universe has some stellar performances by some great, and underrated, actors, proving that quality casting can elevate any film. This is aided not just by the special effects and set pieces, but also by Bill Conti’s score; a epic, regal theme accompanies the action, rising to a crescendo when Skeletor makes his dramatic (and, no doubt, extremely costly) appearance on Earth. Many fans are understandably annoyed at the lack of swordplay there is in this film; He-Man primarily draws his sword to deflect laser fire and only engages in sword-on-sword combat a handful of times throughout the movie. While Lundgren looks great holding the sword, he only really shows some competence with the weapon in the final battle and prefers to use a laser blaster for the majority of the film. Similarly, Skeletor’s faceless black stormtroopers all wield laser rifles, although they are nowhere near as bad with their aim as their obvious Star Wars counterparts. Personally, I’ve never minded the preference on blasters over swords; it makes the times when He-Man does use his sword mean much more, plus the toys did come with blasters at various times. Ultimately, the poor reception of Masters of the Universe is, to me, unjust. The film even has a final scene after the credits, pre-dating Marvel by decades, where it is revealed that Skeletor survived his fall. This was planned to be followed up on in a sequel but, after the film performed so badly, all of the sets, costumes, and props were retooled for Cyborg (Pyun, 1989). A reboot has been in the works for seemingly forever; although McG was attached to be the director, a tentative release date of 18 December 2019 has been announced so, perhaps, we’ll see He-Man onscreen once more. I have no doubt that Masters of the Universe can be done better and be a massive hit, if done right, but just because the original film isn’t 100% accurate to the toys or to the animated series, or largely set on Earth, doesn’t make it a failure or justify overlooking its place as a masterfully crafted, enjoyable science-fiction/fantasy romp. For me, Masters of the Universe is far more engaging and action-packed than Star Wars (it’s not a popular opinion, but I find the original film to be quite dull and to not have aged as well as its later sequels), far less of a chore to watch than Conan the Barbarian (again, as much as I like that film, its pacing can make repeated viewings a slog to get through), and I fully believe that it should be celebrated not just as a cult film or as a piece of nostalgia but for being a gorgeous, charming, action-packed slice of cinematic gold.

My Rating:

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Fantastic

Recommended: Definitely; Frank Langella alone makes this worth the price of admission!
Best moment: The entire finale of the film, right from the moment He-Man’s allies burst into Castle Grayskull up until Skeletor’s ultimate defeat.
Worst moment: Probably our introducing to Kevin and Julie and their last scene together (barring the magical snow globe they get) as their acting is a bit janky in these scenes.