Dr. K's Waiting Room

Released: 19 July 2005
Director: Lance Mungia
Distributor: Dimension Films
Budget: Unknown
Stars: Edward Furlong, David Boreanaz, Tara Reid, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Danny Trejo, and Dennis Hopper

The Plot:
When Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) and his girlfriend, Lily (Chriqui), are ritualistic murdered by a Satanic biker gang led by Luc Crash/Death (Boreanaz), Jimmy is resurrected by a supernatural crow to take his revenge.

The Background:
Created by James O’Barr as a way to process losing his fiancée, The Crow began life as a 1989 comic book published by Caliber Comics and soon became an underground success. When dark comic book narratives became popular in Hollywood, the concept was a perfect fit and resulted in a critical and commercially successful adaptation sadly tainted by the accidental death of star Brandon Lee. Though an enduring cult favourite, The Crow (Proyas, 1994) was followed by a slew of awful sequels: The Crow: City of Angels (Pope, 1996) was rushed out to capitalise on the original’s success. Resulting in a dismal box office and even worse reviews and The Crow: Salvation (Nalluri, 2000) didn’t fare much better with its lukewarm reviews. Despite this, the studio was determined to milk the franchise for all it was worth, initially collaborating with rapper DMX to work on a script revolving around a rapper being resurrected from a drive-by shooting. When this fell apart, the project was re-tooled into Wicked Prayer (with little resemblance to the comic of the same name),which was hoped to revitalise Edward Furlong’s fortunes after years of substance abuse. Director Lance Mungia, a fan of the franchise, eagerly signed on, hoping to tap into real-life tragedies like the Columbine Shootings and 9/11 with a stirring story of revenge. What we got was a film so reviled that the franchise lay dormant for nearly twenty years, a film almost universally lambasted for its laughable presentation, ridiculous effects and make-up, and intolerable performances from its lead actors.

The Review:
We’re out of the big city and stuck in the Mexican wilderness for The Crow: Wicked Prayer, where a racial and class divide exists between Native Americans and then-modern-day settlers. While this bigotry isn’t dwelled upon much, provides a springboard for a few half-hearted characterisations. As the ridiculous onscreen tags inform us, Death’s misfits (styled after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) specifically seek revenge against the Native Americans after their local mine poisoned many of its workers, or robbed them of financial compensation, or some other excuse to attack minorities. When the tribe closes the mine, sparking outrage amongst its workers, for an extravagant casino, Death has his cohorts spread mayhem and death as part of a bizarre ritual to imbue Death with the powers of Satan! The racism goes both ways as Lily “Ignites the Dawn” and Jimmy are urged to stay on the “right side” of the road. Indeed, Jimmy is branded a racist and a killer by the entire town, particularly Lily’s brother, Sheriff Tanner (Dave L. Ortiz), after he killed a Native in his youth. This sees Jimmy ostracised, forced to eke out a living in a squalid trailer park with only Lily standing by him since he saved her from a rapist. However, neither her brother or her preacher father, Padre Harold (Danny Trejo), approve of Jimmy. Thus, when Tanner learns that Jimmy plans to elope with Lily, he’s less than impressed and encourages Jimmy to move on. Despite being an outcast, Jimmy’s devoted to Lily, yet he’s aware of his reputation and encourages her to keep their relationship a low profile. However, she’s far too peppy and trustworthy for that and gladly shouts her love for him, and it’s implied she probably would’ve absconded with Jimmy had Death and his cronies not spoilt their plans.

Having ridden with Death in his youth, Jimmy doesn’st have a squeaky-clean past but he’s just trying to get on. While I’m sympathetic towards Edward Furlong and everything he’s been through, I’m not sure he’s the best choice for this role as he lacks the charisma and screen presence much like his two predecessors. Jimmy’s certainly a more emotional and aggressive avatar, however, lashing out at his killers with a rage born not just from their atrocious actions, but for turning him into a “monster”. Jimmy’s caught completely off-guard when Death has his minions hang him and Lily and then slice out Lily’s eyes and cut out Jimmy’s heart, leaving Lily’s soul to wander the afterlife directionless. Jimmy returns from the nether near-instantaneously, the confusion, pain, and anger of Lily’s murder still raw, and immediately intuits from the crow that he must take revenge. Unlike his predecessors, who took to this mission with a resigned sense of duty, Jimmy’s reluctant and almost disgusted by killing, even for revenge, and constantly declares his desire to die (he even discovers his powers by trying to kill himself) but soon learns to embrace his rage with a hostility that’s noticeably different from his predecessors. However, being a shorter and far less physically capable individual, Jimmy doesn’t convey the same sense of quiet menace I associate with the character, even when draped in a cool duster jacket or inexplicably teleporting to toy with his victims. Like previous avatars, Jimmy instantly heals from all wounds and exhibits some superhuman strength and agility but, unlike them, his crow is wounded quite early on, leaving Jimmy’s powers in a state of flux. This doesn’t have much of an impact, though, as Jimmy still seemingly heals from his wounds and still performs superhuman (if poorly choreographed) feats, so I’m not sure why they bothered to have this happen when there’s no payoff since Jimmy can’t die until he’s avenged himself and Lily.

Jimmy’s up against a colourful but very confused and one-dimensional bunch. The son of a preacher killed by an “Injun”, Death has a personal vendetta against God and the church, rejecting Christianity and seeking to be the vessel for Lucifer through ritualistic sacrifice. His followers – “Famine” (Tito Ortiz), “Pestilence” (Yuji Okumoto), and “War” (Marcus Chong) – all feel wronged by the mine and the town, taking their perceived hardships and using them as an excuse to be openly racist and cause havoc. Death’s constantly accompanied by Lola Byrne (Reid), a sadistic succubus who longs for the power and infamy offered by the Devil. Having stolen a book of black magic from the head of their order, the strangely theatrical El Niño (Hopper), Lola conjures spells and incantations after gaining a vaguely defined second sight from Lily’s eyes. After tracking down and shooting Moses, the man who killed his father (Richard Cumba), Death encourages his troop to engage in wanton murder, with War gunning down eyewitnesses, all to prepare for an unholy marriage and his own physical sacrifice to be possessed by the Devil. However, as one-dimensional as these “Horsemen” are, they’re all strangely conflicted at times. Death is constantly reminding them of their motivations, calling them out when they hesitate, and even Lola appears visibly uncomfortable at Death’s wholesale slaughter of innocents. Yet, they never once defy Death’s plan, with Lola only descending into penance after her lofty ambitious are ended by the Crow. While Tara Reid continues to be far better on the eyes than the ears, being the weakest link in a chain full of rusted connections, Boreanaz has a great time hamming it up as Death and even more when possessed by Lucifer. He’s a constantly enjoyable presence here, to the point where I wish he’d been cast in the lead role and the producers had piled some more money into Dennis Hopper’s pay cheque to cast him as Death instead.

The Nitty-Gritty:
While the legend of the crow was something of a fairytale in the previous films, a rare mystical occurrence that few understood or knew of, it’s presented as Native American folklore here. Lily speaks openly of the crow, a righteous figure of redemption powered by love, and those returned by the crow’s power are treated with reverence. Indeed, many refer to Jimmy or at least believe him to be an angel, and Lucifer openly makes the Crow as an extension of God’s will, repurposing the concept into a purely religious connotation. Thus, the fight between the Crow and Satan is framed as a battle of wills between Heaven and Hell rather than an emissary from the afterlife being unable to rest due to a devastating loss. It’s an interesting wrinkle in the Crow lore, one that might’ve had more legs if the film had fully committed to it, placing greater emphasis on Padre Harold’s belief in the figure beyond him simply performing a witch doctor dance to revive the bird. Tanner’s vendetta against Jimmy only ends when he realises Jimmy has become the Crow, but the fact Death and his cronies all dabble in black magic takes the spotlight away from Jimmy’s resurrection. While I appreciate the attempt to try something different, The Crow: Wicked Prayer is saddled by some truly awful performances, forgettable moments, and cheap presentation. Shots of the crow flying or glaring into the camera are recycled from previous films, as are some lines, and the special and practical effects are effectively non-existent, with the camera cutting away from any gruesome acts and then showing characters with bloody hands and holding organs or whatever.

Flashbacks to Jimmy and Lily’s past are similarly limited and presented seemingly at random as a shorthand to make us care about Jimmy’s vengeance, but instead appear as subpar editing. While Emmanuelle Chriqui is certainly cute and it’s nice to spend some time with the Crow’s lover before she’s killed, she has little chemistry with Furlong, who fares far better once he’s painted up. Unfortunately, Jimmy’s Crow looks like bad cosplay, with him moping about rather than exuding the crippling anguish I’d expect from the character. He’s far better when channelling his rage, but even then he’s hampered by some poor fight scenes, with his fist fight with War being a blurry, indistinct mess made more confusing by Padre Harold, Tanner, and a bunch of armed men firing at both men. The film tries to say there are some stakes involved since Jimmy’s powers are weakened for most of its runtime, but it’s hard to believe as he shrugs off bullets and even being physically overpowered by Death, who gradually gains superhuman powers through killing and other strange rituals. Still, none of his minions present a physical challenge to Jimmy, with the terminally ill Pestilence being easily offed via electrocution and the imposing Famine simply being beaten to death with a baseball bat. Jimmy tries to channel Eric Draven’s (Brandon Lee) sombre, caring side when he heals Moses to try and atone for killing his son, but it’s a poor effort. I would’ve liked to see more time spent with Jimmy winning over Padre Harold and Tanner, especially after they save him from his crucifixion, to either better delve into the subtle themes of penance or give him some backup in storming El Niño’s brothel…church…thing. Instead, Jimmy just tells them to get out of his way and heads off alone, with Padre Harold only being convinced to believe in the Crow when Tanner vouches for him.

All throughout the movie, Death plots to prepare his body and soul to be possessed by the Devil. As ridiculous as that sounds, black magic is not only real in The Crow: Wicked Prayer but ridiculously easy to perform, with even a bimbo like Lola granting herself a degree of clairvoyance and understanding of El Niño’s ancient texts. Murdering Lily and Jimmy was the first step in Death’s plan; he gets his revenge against the man who killed his father, murders some innocent people, and then has a virgin (Daymond John) killed during his marriage to Lola. Surprisingly, Lola stabs Death and kills him to consummate the marriage, a betrayal Death didn’t seem to expect (it’s honestly hard to tell) but which allows Lucifer to posses his body. Now exhibiting incredible superhuman and telekinetic powers, Lucifer easily overpowers the Crow and leaves him for dead and is only stopped from finishing the job (and Padre Harold’s gun-toting mob) by a pressing need to have sex with Lola and thus make his transition official. Unfortunately for Old Scratch, Jimmy pursues them to a dilapidated graveyard and tries to stop him, though he’s no match for the Devil’s superior power and smart mouth. Thanks to Padre Harold leading the mob in a laughable dance, the crow is fully healed and restores Jimmy’s invulnerability and powers, and reminds him why returned to a vengeful unlife. Thus, the two unstoppable powers fight to a standstill until Jimmy sends Lucifer flying, impaling him on a tree branch right as the sun rises. Lola’s incensed at being denied her reward and, in desperation, prays to the Virgin Mary for forgiveness, but is left powerless to resist arrest after Tanner spares her from his father’s wrath. As for Lucifer, he makes sure his final words are suitably self-referential and mocking, leading a spiteful Jimmy to quote some Stephen Crane while slitting his throat. Despite Jimmy not retrieving Lily’s eyes during the fracas, her sight is restored when they reunite in the afterlife (though I guess defeating Lucifer before he could shag Lola undid the black magic she cast over Lily’s eyes? Who knows or even cares?)

The Summary:
And here we are, the lowest point and death knell of the Crow franchise (at least until the remake). This was my first time watching The Crow: Wicked Prayer and I have to say that it wasn’t as bad as I’d been led to believe. Sure, it’s not good and is definitely deserving of a one-star review, but at least I could see what was happening, unlike in the second film, and there was an attempt to do something a little different, veering into more supernatural territory. Unfortunately, The Crow: Wicked Prayer doesn’t commit to this, paying lip service to the Native American slant on the concept (possibly because it has no basis in reality) and skirting around the religious connotations it tries to shoe-horn into the lore. It’s always a tough sell having Satan worshipers as your bad guys and Death’s troop certainly don’t help make that concept any less ridiculous, being cookie-cutter bad guys who I instantly forgot. While David Boreanaz and a surprisingly enthusiastic performance by Dennis Hopper attempt to elevate the material and make things interesting, it’s not enough to carry the film and Edward Furlong just doesn’t have it in him to be a leading man. His involvement reeks of direct-to-video casting and, while he did a decent job with Jimmy’s more aggressive or desperate moments, he just comes across as a weak and watered down version of even his last two predecessors. There’s a good idea or two somewhere in here, but the execution was flawed from the start and The Crow: Wicked Prayer can’t even be said to entertain with some fun fights or bombastic stunts. The budget and the talent just aren’t here and it’s genuinely upsetting seeing the original comic book be diluted and warped into such a shameless cash grab as the concept is so evocative and deserves the same time, energy, and care as in the original film. I avoided The Crow: Wicked Prayer for a reason and you should, too. Just watch the original film four, even five times, and skip everything that came after it, including this debacle.

My Rating:

Terrible

You didn’t enjoy The Crow: Wicked Prayer but by all means try to tell me you did in the comments. Try to tell me you enjoyed Edward Furlong’ performance, that you believed the chemistry between Jimmy and Lily, and that this is an under-rated gem. Tell me you thought David Boreanaz made for a solid and well-rounded villain, that the changes made to the Crow lore were justified and meaningful, and that the film successfully put a new spin on the franchise. While you’re there, tell me which of The Crow’s sequels was your favourite and how you’re celebrating Devil’s Night this year. Tell me all this, and more, in the comments and then go donate to my Ko-Fi to suggest other Crow content for me to review.