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Released: 14 May 1982
Director: John Milius
Distributor: Tri-Star Pictures
Budget: $20 million
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Gerry Lopez, Bergman, Ben Davidson, and Mako

The Plot:
Cimmerian barbarian brute Conan (Schwarzenegger) is freed from slavery, falls in with a gang of thieves, and quests for revenge against Thulsa Doom (Jones), the mystical cult leader who slaughtered his family.

The Background:
Readers were first introduced to Robert E. Howard’s Conan in the pages of Weird Tales, after he expanded on the lore while vacationing by repurposing a previously rejected Kull of Atlantis story. Before his unfortunate suicide in 1936, Howard had written twenty-one complete Conan stories, published seventeen of them, and left behind multiple unfinished fragments. Development of a film adaptation can be traced back to the 1970s when, after a lengthy battle, Edward R. Pressman acquired the franchise rights. Eager to helm a Viking-inspired film, director John Milius joined the project (despite having no knowledge of Conan) and Oliver Stone penned a costly script that was reworked after Dino De Laurentiis provided additional funding. After considering Sylvester Stallone and Charles Bronson for the lead, the producers cast relative unknown Arnold Schwarzenegger after being impressed by his bodybuilder physique. In addition to undergoing rigorous training and learning sword fighting for the role, Schwarzenegger was forced to do all his own stunts, resulting in some nasty injuries during filming. The magnetic James Earl Jones was cast as the main antagonist and offered Schwarzenegger many pointers on set and the filmmakers used incredibly detailed miniatures to save money on expensive sets, alongside a large-scale animatronic snake. With a box office of somewhere between $68.9 and 79.1 million, Conan the Barbarian was a modest success met with mixed reviews. While some praised it as a fantasy thriller and championed the gory action, others decried the violence and criticised Schwarzenegger’s performance. Praised for its adaptation of Howard’s writing and for re-popularising the sword-and-sorcery genre, Conan the Barbarian shot Schwarzenegger to superstardom. Unfortunately, its sequel failed to recapture the same success, the 2011 reboot proved unfairly divisive, and a third movie has been stuck in Development Hell for decades.

The Review:
Conan the Barbarian is set during a fictional, lost age of mankind – the “Hyborian Age”, as stated in the books – a time of much conflict and where scattered tribes and pockets of civilisation worshipped many Gods. For young Conan (Jorge Sanz) and his people, the Viking-like Cimmerians, the only God worth talking about is Crom, a miserable, Odin-like figure who sits atop a mountain and actively ignores the prayers of those who worship him. Those who die worshipping Crom must answer a simple question to take a seat in Valhalla: What is the riddle of steel? Conan’s father and tribe leader (William Smith) impresses upon him from a young age how important steel is to their culture, stating that a man can only trust his blade and that steel came about after man harnessed the “secret of fire” following a battle between the Gods and the Great Giants. Conan listens attentively and seems a willing student, yet he can only watch in horror when Thulsa Doom and his cohorts – namely Rexor (Davidson) and Thorgrim (Sven-Ole Thorsen) – suddenly attack their village and slaughter his people. While his father fights valiantly, Conan watches, shielded by his mother (Nadiuska), as he’s mortally wounded by an axe and then torn apart by attack dogs. Thulsa Doom then claims his father’s sword and mesmerises his mother, lopping her head off and forcing the surviving children to toil day and night, through all seasons, pushing the “Wheel of Pain”. This entire opening sequence is conveyed without any dialogue (beyond the wizard Akio’s (Mako) narration and the teachings of Conan’s father), so we don’t learn the reason behind the attack until much later, when a nonplussed Thulsa Doom muses that he once pursued steel before learning of the strength of flesh. This strength comes to be embodied by the largely silent and stoic Conan, who pushes the wheel seemingly non-stop for years, outlasting his peers and growing to maturity as a man so massive and musclebound that he can push the wheel alone without exerting himself. Conan’s seemingly forgotten in that time and is therefore forcibly taken from the wheel and pushed into vicious pit fights where he quickly gains acclaim as a natural gladiator and efficient killer.

Turning a profit for his captors, Conan is afforded  luxuries like language and writing, beautiful women to “breed” with, and training from master swordsmen. Eventually, Conan earns his freedom and is let loose into the wilderness, with no home and little understanding of anything other than violence. Chased by wild dogs, he stumbles into the tomb of a long-dead warrior and acquires a sword, garbing himself in wolf skin and embarking on a quest to track down those responsible for the death of his people. All he knows is Thulsa Doom’s symbol (“two snakes coming together… facing each other… but they’re one!”) but, luckily for him, an extremely horny and animalistic witch (Cassandra Gaviola) points him in the right direction… “for a price!” Conan’s mission is one of vengeance; he wants the man who killed his parents and stole his father’s sword, and braves any hardship without fear to accomplish this goal. A towering man-mountain, Conan is effectively superhuman at times, easily sprinting long distances while carrying his gear and besting multiple enemies not just with his incredible strength, but his skill with a blade. Conan is described as a barbarian but isn’t just some mindless brute; he’s more of a nomad, with allegiance to none other than himself. He’s a man of great honour and loyalty, however, and is surprisingly affectionate towards women (unless he’s drunk, and then they’re “all sluts!”) Conan becomes more loquacious and carefree after meeting Subotai (Lopez), a thief and archer he quickly befriends despite them worshipping different Gods, and who teaches him to be a thief. Subotai’s far less serious than his cohort, unless it comes to jewels and gold, though he aids Conan in investigating the Thulsa Doom cult. This leads them to cross paths with fearless fellow thief Valeria (Bergman) and King Osric (Max Von Sydow), a burned-out monarch who’s impressed by their gall at defying the much-feared death cult. Their raid gives Conan a rare chance to come out of his shell as he tosses his jewels around and indulges in alcohol and passionate sex with Valeria, only for his revelry to comically take a toll on him. When brought before King Osric, Conan shows visible shame for his actions but gladly accepts the king’s plea to rescue his wayward daughter, Princess Yasmina (Valérie Quennessen), from Thulsa Doom.

Subotai and Valeria are not so keen to get involved however, so the stoic Conan infiltrates Thusla Doom’s temple alone. Along the way, he bumps into Akio, an eccentric and aged wizard who keeps a tentative commune with the Gods and offers Conan some advice. When he’s discovered, beaten, and brought to Thulsa Doom a blood mess, Conan’s angered to learn that his lifelong vendetta is of little consequence to Thulsa Doom, who callously dismisses and lectures the barbarian on the superiority of flesh over steel. Thulsa Doom orders Conan to be crucified and, by the time Subotai tracks him down, the barbarian is near death. Desperate to save her man, Valeria first begs and then threatens Akio to pull any mystical strings he can, gladly prepared to pay the “price” the Gods demand for sending wrathful spirits to heal Conan. Fully restored, Conan continues his quest, seemingly set on murdering Thulsa Doom but ultimately heeding Subotai’s reasoning and simply rescuing Princess Yasmina from the Temple of Set. However, Thulsa Doom’s retaliation is swift and brutal as he fires a snake like an arrow and mortally wounds Valeria. Though Conan’s creed means he’s incapable of showing true emotion regarding his lover’s death (hence why Subotai “[cries] for him”), he visibly mourns her, ensures she gets a proper send-off, and is clearly enraged by her death. His subsequent retaliation sees him lure Rexor, Thorgrim, and Thulsa Doom’s disposable soldiers into a confrontation. In this instance, Conan fights with his head rather than pure, brute strength and he and his remaining allies triumph through wiles, determination, specially laid traps…and a touch of divine intervention as Valeria briefly returns as a Valkyrie to make good on her promise to fight by her lover’s side in the event of her death.

Although much of Conan the Barbarian is very grounded (people talk of Gods but they’re largely absent, save of Valeria’s brief return), there are supernatural elements here, specifically regarding Thulsa Doom. Said to be thousands of years old, Thulsa Doom is an enigmatic and mysterious individual who boasts hypnotic powers that work in tandem with his silver tongue to brainwash countless numbers into become his slaves, followers, and soldiers. Initially, Thulsa Doom seems merely a raider, slaughtering people, stealing their steel, and using their children as slaves. Thulsa Doom seems nonplussed by his actions and even somewhat bored during the sacking of Conan’s village, leaving the heavy lifting to Rexor and Thorgrim, and basically never needs to take up a blade since his hypnotic eyes leave all powerless before his gaze. While Conan grows and embarks on his quest, Thulsa Doom builds a feared and oppressive cult worshipping the snake-God Set, and spends his days overseeing orgies and twisting people to his whims. While we never learn the source of his power or much about him, Thulsa Doom reveals that he once coveted the “Riddle of Steel”, as the Cimmerians did, and ultimately found that flesh had more power over steel. Thulsa Doom’s subsequent exploration of the flesh sees him brainwash even princesses into concubines so blindly loyal that they call him “father” and hang on his every word, die in his name (or at his command), and are seemingly willing to commit mass suicide to embrace the ”emptiness” he often touts. Though Thulsa Doom carries blades, he rarely uses them. Instead, he relies on his mysterious command over snakes, firing them as arrows and even transforming  into one. Thorgrim echoes his master’s love of snakes, raising a giant serpent to guard Thulsa Doom’s greatest treasures and flying into a rage after Conan hacks the creature to pieces. Indeed, both Rexor and Thorgrim take after Conan with a vengeance after being repeatedly humiliated by him. Armed with a giant Warhammer and Conan’s father’s sword, respectively, the two largely silent henchmen are formidable warriors and carry their master’s standard into battle, though are ultimately deemed as worthless to Thulsa Doom as any of his underlings.

The Nitty-Gritty:
I’ve never read any of the Conan books or even the comics. My knowledge of the character is exclusively limited to the films, though I have heard that Conan the Barbarian has more in common with Robert E. Howard’s other pulp creation, Kull the Conqueror. However, I am a big Arnold Schwarzenegger fan and Conan was one of the first (if not the first) films of his I saw as a kid. However, I’ve not always been its biggest fan. The film’s a bit too long and drags quite a lot. It doesn’t help that there isn’t much dialogue, especially from Conan, which may be off-putting for some. It certainly gives the film a moody, introspective atmosphere, one bolstered by the late, great Basil Poledouris’ thumping orchestra. I also appreciate that much of the nuance is conveyed through body language, but it does make Conan a less attractive watch than some of Schwarzenegger’s other films. Still, he looks phenomenal here, swelling with muscles and yet swinging his sword with a deftness and skill that’s almost unmatched. Though Conan is a stoic and silent character, he showcases a fair bit of personality at times, especially with Subotai or when seducing women. Conan has a very charismatic presence that instantly catches the eye, and is absolutely merciless in a fight, cutting down foes with a near-superhuman strength and coming out of every encounter unscathed. Yet, he remains vulnerable, as seen when he’s beaten and tortured basically to death by Thulsa Doom’s minions. This is the only time we see Conan as a mere man, bloody and raging at his tormentor, and powerless to fight back. Even when crucified on the tree of wool, Conan fights against a vulture picking at his wounds and, upon being healed by the dark spirits, has only a moment of quiet, internal reflection before returning to his quest for revenge.

And what a quest it is! Conan the Barbarian is a hell of a bloody time, with blood splattering from neck and gut wounds in nearly every fight and most conflicts seeing limbs and heads being hacked off. Our three anti-heroes show absolutely no mercy to their opponents, whether they’re regular guards or Thulsa Doom’s soldiers, and happily stab them in the neck, cut open their bellies, and bash their heads against stone walls. Conan is depicted as a fierce and formidable fighter when without a weapon, enduring horrific beatings in pit fights and overpowering even heavily armed foes with his superior strength. He knows when to take a stealthier approach and is smart enough to use his environment as a weapon, muscling over a giant cauldron of stew to fend off Thulsa Doom’s soldiers and beating one of his followers to steal his robes. Conan faces a daunting opponent when attacked by Thorgrim’s snake, but it’s one he handily overcomes (with some assistance from Subotai) through sheer tenacity. This is a man who’s spent his entire life fighting and is “survival of the fittest” in physical form, giving Conan incredible endurance both when running and when faced with torture. Yet, even Conan is mortal and can’t take on Thulsa Doom’s entire army. Luckily, Subotai is handy in a fight, attacking from afar with arrows and using stealth and cunning to shop down foes. Valeria is similar as, like Subotai, she can’t rely on brute strength to win the day. Instead, she sticks to the shadows, scales walls using ropes, and utilises disguises to gain an edge. As a more carefree and impulsive spirit, she’s more likely to taunt her opponents to throw them off balance and to throw herself off a building while laughing. Yet, she and Subotai also recognise a good deal and urge Conan to simply take King Osric’s riches and disappear, but Conan refuses, both because of his vendetta and to rescue the princess. While they lose a formidable adversary and close friend when Valeria is killed, Conan, Subotai, and Akiro outfit the area with booby-traps and weapons to whittle down Thulsa Doom’s forces. This is by far the film’s biggest action set piece and sees Conan settle the score with Rexor and Thorgrim, impaling Thorgrim on a massive wooden spike and going toe-to-toe with Rexor. This fight sees Conan briefly overwhelmed but, after Valeria’s spirit buys him some time, he redoubles his attack, shattering his father’s sword and cutting down his foe to avenge his people and being sure to offer praise to Crom after.

Thulsa Doom’ s campaign sees him spread across the lands like a plague, pillaging and converting over the years until he’s amassed incredible wealth and power. His symbol is feared by many and his actions abhorred, but none, not even King Osric, can stand against him. Conan and his allies, however, have no fear of the cult and strike critical blows against Thulsa Doom by infiltrating his temples, stealing his treasure, killing his giant snake, and kidnapping Princess Yasmina from under his nose. While Thulsa Doom retaliates with a vengeance, his greatest flaw is his arrogance. Seeing himself as an all-powerful messenger for his God, Set, Thulsa Doom is visibly disturbed when Conan and his friends cut down his stories with their traps and weapons. Before fleeing like a coward, Thulsa Doom attempts to execute Yasmina, thereby convincing the princess to lead Conan into the cult leader’s main base after seeing her beloved “father” turn against her so callously. Conan easily slips into the temple via a back entrance as Thulsa Doom prepares his followers to set themselves on fire in hopes of being granted eternal life upon their death. Thanks to his commanding voice and hypnotic powers, they stand as poised to follow his command as the poor girl he convinced to leap to her death earlier. Luckily, Conan confronts him but, rather than being enraged or engaging the barbarian in a sword fight, Thulsa Doom greets his foe as a wayward son. Indeed, Thulsa Doom confidently quells Conan’s rage by claiming that the barbarian would have no purpose if he were to strike down his “father” and, for a moment, Conan seems to be as mesmerised as his mother was in the opening. However, Conan quickly comes to his senses and strikes with the shattered remains of his father’s blade, hacking Thulsa Doom’s head off and tossing it to his stunned followers. Freed from the villain’s spell, the cultists abandon their religion and, after some quiet brooding, Conan sets the temple ablaze and leaves to return Princess Yasmina to her father…and to go on to further adventures!

The Summary:
As I alluded to earlier, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Conan the Barbarian. It’s rare that I make the effort to put it on and, when I do, it’s the kind of movie that demands my attention since you have to endure a lot of long, intense moments without much dialogue or even much happening. Then, it suddenly spikes to eleven and you’ve got blood splattering the camera, brutal sword combat, a giant snake and what-not! Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a commanding performance as the titular Conan, drawing the eye with his impressive, God-like physique and portraying Conan as a fairly nuanced character. He’s a man of few words, unless he’s drunk or totally relaxed and having fun, and a man of unbreakable conviction. He’s determined to avenge his people, no matter the odds, and fights past every obstacle. Even the death of his lover doesn’t break him, so strong is his upbringing and stoic fortitude, and Conan even denounces his cantankerous God when faced with seemingly impossible odds, so powerful is his defiance. Conan’s surrounded by some fun supporting characters: I really enjoyed Mako’s unhinged, scenery-chewing performance as Akio and Subotai made for a likeable and light-hearted counterpart to Conan’s stone-faced resolve. Valeria was also great, being as fierce and formidable as her male peers but also showcasing a devil-may-care attitude and a devotion so strong it allowed her to return from the beyond. Of course, it’s James Earl Jones who steals the show here, delivering a magnetic performance as the mesmerising and callous Thulsa Doom. He demands your attention every time he appears and delivers every line with the right level of silky-smooth, bombastic glee that it’s not hard to see why so many tripped over themselves to follow his every command. The film’s bolstered by an infectious score and some brutal, bloody action sequence, impressive animatronics, sweeping locations, and painstakingly crafted costuming, and there’s even some sex and boobs to keep the slower, more introspective pace moving. It’s not a typical action flick, that’s for sure, and Schwarzenegger is somewhat limited in the role, but he makes up for it with his larger-than-life presence and endlessly quotable lines. While Conan the Barbarian isn’t really a favourite of mine and avid fans of the character may not enjoy how much was changed during the adaptation process, there’s a decent amount to like here if you can give the film your full attention.

My Rating:

Pretty Good

Do you enjoy Conan the Barbarian? If you’re a fan of the books, what did you think of this adaptation and where would you rank it against Arnold’s other films? What did you think of Conan’s portrayal as a stoic and determined warrior? Were you shocked when Valeria died and happy to see her brief return? What did you think of Thulsa Doom, his sway, and this strange ability to turn into a giant snake? Can you answer the Riddle of Steel? How are you celebrating Schwarzenegger’s birthday today and what is your favourite Schwarzenegger film? Whatever you think, go ahead and leave your thoughts below, support the site on Ko-Fi, and check out my other Schwarzenegger content on the site.