Dr. K's Waiting Room

Quick Facts:
Seth MacFarlane and co-writers Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild conceived of this Western comedy while watching Hang ’Em High (Post, 1968) and musing about how dangerous the Wild West was. McFarlane’s second foray into live-action directing saw Charlize Theron jump at the chance to be in a comedy and gave Liam Neeson (who was born on this day in 1952) a rare opportunity to use his natural Irish accent, though the film’s critical response was largely mixed.

The Review:
It’s only fair to begin by saying I’ve never been a huge fan of Westerns. I don’t like to say it because it applies to so many genres, but they really are one of the most predictable types of movies. There’s always a dusty town in the middle of nowhere with little to no law, a bar, probably a square dance, and a shoot out or two, and usually a gruff loner or gunslinger to boot. In A Million Ways to Die in the West, our dusty town is Old Stump, Arizona, an unremarkable location in the grand scheme of things and yet no less dangerous. As pointed out by timid sheep farmer Albert Stark (Seth MacFarlane), 1882 is a bad time to be alive. There are literally a million ways to meet your end in the Old West, from diseases like cholera and dysentery, to wild animals like wolves, coyotes, and rattlesnakes, to bandits, enraged “Indians”, bar fights, and even visiting the doctor. As related by our unseen narrator (Rex Linn), Albert was born in the wrong era. While everyone else in town barely blinks an eye at the sight of the mayor laying dead in the street or a worker being smushed into red paste while unloading a block of ice, or Pastor Wilson (John Aylward) gunning down a man and his son, Albert is mortified by the constant threat of danger. A distinctly twentieth century soul who makes anachronistic allusions, Albert desperately tries to make people see how disgusting, hazardous, and awful life is in the Old West and is generally laughed off, even by his good friend Edward (Giovanni Ribisi), who simply shrugs off their ludicrous situation. Armed with this metatextual awareness, Albert does everything he can to stay safe and out of trouble, talking his way out of gunfights by promising to pay off those he’s inadvertently wronged and meekly burying his head in the sand and despair at his lot in life.

As Albert would rather avoid confrontation and danger whenever possible, his meek character is met with apathy and dismissal by his long-term girlfriend, Louise (Amanda Seyfried), who callously dumps him for being “yellow” and leaves him distraught as she was the only good thing in his life. Faced with a lifetime of misery as a near useless sheep farmer cursed with a flock of unruly and incompetent sheep, Albert drowns his sorrows with Edward and frequently rages at the state of the world, even contemplating suicide since he hates the Old West so much. While Edward tries to lift his friend’s spirits, he’s faced with his own dilemma as he tries to stay a devout Christian while clumsily desiring his prostitute girlfriend, Ruth (Sarah Silverman), who is amusingly happy to perform unspeakable sex acts with her patrons but hesitates to have pre-marital sex as she’s very beholden to her religious beliefs. Though stuck in a quagmire of self-loathing, Albert can’t help but help newcomer Anna Barnes-Leatherwood (Charlize Theron) during a bar fight started by her “brother”, Lewis (Evan Jones). Out of gratitude, Anna offers Albert a sympathetic ear and they quickly become friends, with her questioning his heartache over Louise, a flaky and shallow beauty who hooks up with well-to-do moustache connoisseur Foy (Neil Patrick Harris) since he’s so conceited, arrogant, and rich that she can have everything she wanted. Initially, Anna happily poses as Albert’s new girlfriend, helping him to make Louise jealous and get one up on Foy, a wealthy businessman with great social stature who constantly mocks Albert out of smug superiority. Emboldened by Anna’s support, Albert surprises himself by challenging Foy to a duel and, after seeing how awful his marksmanship skills are, Anna offers to help him since she’s a crack shot with a six-shooter. In the process, Albert finds a kindred spirit as Anna also recognises the absurdity of the Old West, where even something as simple as the county fair is fraught with death and danger.

While Albert is understandably smitten by Anna thanks to her kindness and companionship, eventually kissing her after a barn dance and in her debt after she slips Foy a laxative that humiliates him with a bout of public diarrhoea, he’s sadly unaware of her true background. Arriving in town with Lewis and standing out for her beauty and rationality, Anna is actually the abused wife of infamous outlaw Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson), a quietly psychotic gunslinger who orders Anna to wait in Old Stump while he and his men pull off another job. After a lifetime of Clinch’s abuse and violence, Anna is relieved to be amongst normal people and appreciates Albert in a way Louise never could, seeing him as a kind-hearted soul beaten into self-loathing by a dangerous world and the people around him. Somewhat unaccustomed to social norms, Anna struggles to acclimatise to formal functions and is much happier knocking back shots or blasting bottles with her keen eye. Sharing many of Albert’s observations on the Old West, Anna gets swept up in what he sees as his boring, humdrum, everyday life but to her is a welcome reprieve from Clinch’s brutality. Albert is devastated when Clinch arrives, having been alerted to his wife’s infidelity by Lewis, and is ready to pack up and leave after the betrayal. Although Anna tries to explain and protect him, she’s forced to reveal Albert’s name to Clinch to protect her adopted dog, Plugger (Unknown). However, realising she loves Albert, Anna fends Clinch off when he tries to rape her and Albert, returning her feelings, cannot help but shield her when Clinch comes looking for her, leading Albert to race into the desert where he’s aided by Apaches led by Chief Cochise (Wes Studi), who subject Albert to a drug-induced mind fuck that sees him gather his resolve to meet Clinch’s challenge to a duel.

A notorious and widely feared outlaw, Clinch isn’t a man to be trifled with. While he routinely snaps at and belittles his wife, exerting his physical dominance and barking orders, he’s also extremely possessive of Anna and thinks nothing of gunning down a random bystander (Ryan Reynolds) when he hears she’s been unfaithful or an elderly prospector (Matt Clark) just to prove a point. Though she hates her husband, Anna is terrified of his wrath and desperately tries to shield Albert from him, to the point where she’s reduced to being a hostage to force Albert into a duel. Although Anna helps improve Albert’s shooting skills, he knows he’s no match for Clinch and instead choose to fight smarter, using the knowledge that Clinch will fire on “two” to wound the outlaw with a grazing shot laced with snake venom. Thus, Albert uses his dislike of the hazardous Old West to his advantage and, while Clinch dies without hearing Albert’s plan, it’s enough to impress the town, and Louise, who Albert happily snubs in favour of Anna. While Liam Neeson oozes quiet menace as Clinch, he’s sadly absent for most of the film and even Lewis is a minor antagonist, at best. Thus, Albert largely clashes with Foy, played with expert comedic charisma by Neil Patrick Harris. An egotistical blowhard who is especially proud of his beautiful moustache, Foy sees Albert as inferior in every way and relishes the chance to rub his wealth and social stature in his rival’s face, happy to shoot Albert to cement his claim to Louise. Since he can’t hope to afford the products required for a moustache and is awful at dancing, Albert’s overwhelmed and pushed to his limit after Foy leads a scathing dance number in the film’s most amusing moment. Sadly, Albert and Foy’s rivalry ends in little more than toilet humour when Anna induces explosive diarrhoea in him, which was a bit disappointing considering their bickering had been so amusing prior to that.

I always find reviewing comedies tough as it’s difficult to relate what makes something funny and how the jokes work. A Million Ways to Die in the West bases much of its humour around the absurdity of the Old West, a time when just going to the outhouse could be fatal, when doctors prescribe potential lethal remedies, and when stampeding bulls can gore through the annual fair. Albert comments upon all of this, and more, with an alarmed and disgusted manner, raging at how violent and dangerous the Old West is and begging those around him to admit that life is unreasonably hard, only to be met with apathy. Seth MacFarlane delivers this comedy with his trademark deadpan, metatextual delivery as Albert casually talks about horrendous diseases and events as being part of everyday life. Albert is an awkward and timid soul who’s initially unsure of himself and desperate to avoid conflict, so he rambles to get out of gunfights and stages a playfight during a barroom brawl to avoid injury. While Clinch doesn’t give Neeson much of a chance to flex his comedic chops, his growling delivery and surly nature make him the perfect comedic foil when Anna blasts him with a rock and sticks a flower into his ass crack. The film excels when focusing on the rivalry between Albert and Foy, however, with the two trading insults at a rapid and witty pace, or when demonstrating how hazardous the Old West can be as a single gunshot is enough to incite a brawl and you never know when some stranger (Jamie Foxx) is going to show up to gun you down for your racist shooting gallery. While the comedy lands most of the time, the film wasn’t as funny as McFarlane’s animated efforts, lacking his signature cut-away gags and over the top violence. There are still some amusing bits, though, like the running gag about Albert’s sheep being on his roof and Ruth’s questionable sexual activity, the hilarious moustache song, and Albert’s bizarre mind trip courtesy of Chief Cochise.

Final Thoughts:
I feel like A Million Ways to Die in the West is largely overlooked, especially compared to Seth McFarlane’s other works, and that is a bit of a shame as there’s a lot to like here. Albert Stark was an amusing character and a fun underdog to get behind. Since I’m not a fan of Westerns, I really enjoyed him commentating on and criticising the Old West and the ludicrous depiction of how dangerous life on the frontier could be. I felt he and Anna had great chemistry as kindred spirits, with her bolstering his self-esteem and him showing her the affection and respect she so lacked in her marriage. While Liam Neeson commanded the screen every time he appeared, Clinch was sadly far too absent for my liking. It worked to paint him up as a near-mythical, feared figure but I can’t help but wonder if the film might’ve been better if Clinch had set himself up as the town mayor or something. Thankfully, Foy is on hand to make a great rival for Albert, being a slimy, arrogant snob who delights in belittling Albert and gets off on his wealth and social status. The bickering between Albert and Foy was a highlight of the movie and again something that might’ve been better to focus on as the film loses some momentum after Foy shits himself in the street. I can see why many would dismiss and forget this film as it’s not as memorable as McFarlane’s animated shows or other filmic ventures and a lot of the comedy doesn’t land unless, perhaps, you’re a fan of seeing the genre be picked apart. Even some fun cameos by the likes of Christopher Lloyd don’t help bolster A Million Ways to Die in the West, which remains a somewhat amusing venture that sadly isn’t as gut-burstingly hilarious as it might like to be.

My Rating:

Pretty Good

Are you a fan of A Million Ways to Die in the West? Are you a fan of Westerns and, if so, did you like seeing the genre mocked? Did you enjoy Albert’s outbursts about how dangerous and ridiculous the Old West was? Do you agree that Clinch should’ve featured more prominently? Did you also enjoy the rivalry between Foy and Albert? Do you have a moustache? How are you celebrating Liam Neeson’s birthday today? Leave a like and comment below with your feedback and donate to my Ko-Fi to support the site.